A Therapist's Guide to Letting Go of the Past

By Therapy-with-Ben

Letting go of the past isn’t about pretending something never happened or trying to erase your memories. It's more about releasing the emotional weight tied to those events so they no longer have a grip on your present. Think of it as changing your relationship with those memories, allowing you to move forward with a bit more peace and freedom. It's a journey that starts with acknowledging how you feel, understanding why you’re holding on, and then using practical strategies to build a future defined by your choices, not your history.

Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of the Past?

As a therapist, I see so many people who feel anchored by things that have happened to them. If you’re struggling to move on, please know this is a deeply human experience—it's not a personal failing. Our pasts shape our identities, they teach us valuable (and sometimes harsh) lessons, and they give context for who we are today.

The problem arises when those memories become a heavy weight. When you find yourself endlessly replaying painful scenarios, consumed by regret, or reliving old hurts, the past is stopping you from engaging fully with the present.

The Brain's Natural Bias

Our brains are actually wired with something called a 'negativity bias'. In simple terms, this means we tend to remember and dwell on difficult experiences more vividly than positive ones. It’s an old survival mechanism, designed to protect us from future harm by making us hyper-aware of past threats.

This natural tendency explains why letting go can feel like you’re swimming against the current. It’s not just you; it’s a fundamental part of our psychological makeup. Releasing the grip of the past requires conscious, consistent effort to counteract this built-in bias.

The Role of Unresolved Emotions

Often, it’s not the memory itself we’re holding onto, but the unresolved emotions attached to it—like anger, grief, guilt, or sadness. When these feelings haven't been fully processed, they act like an emotional glue, keeping the past alive and kicking in our minds.

The goal isn't to erase your history, but to empower you to build a future defined by your choices. Letting go means refusing to let yesterday use up too much of today.

In many cases, these experiences can be profoundly impactful. In the UK, the long-term effects of trauma create significant public health challenges, particularly around the difficulty of letting go. Research shows that Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), such as abuse or neglect, affect nearly half of all adults in England. This cumulative trauma doesn’t just affect mental health; it also creates a substantial economic burden, estimated at £14 billion annually on the UK economy, as people exposed to trauma are more likely to repeatedly use health services. You can discover more about the public health implications of trauma and how it is being addressed.

This guide is designed to be a practical roadmap to help you change your relationship with your past. We’ll explore why we cling to old hurts, identify the signs that the past is negatively impacting you today, and walk through proven therapeutic techniques you can start using right away.

Understanding Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

If we’re going to get anywhere with letting go of the past, we first have to get a handle on why we cling to it so tightly in the first place. It’s almost never a conscious choice. More often than not, it’s a deep-seated protective instinct kicking in.

Holding on can feel like you’re fighting for justice for a wrong that was done, punishing yourself for mistakes, or simply trying to keep the memory of a person or a happier time alive. It’s complicated.

From a psychological standpoint, our brains are hardwired with a 'negativity bias'. It's an old evolutionary quirk that makes us zero in on difficult or threatening experiences far more than positive ones. It was designed to keep our ancestors safe from predators, but today, it can trap us in a loop of rumination, replaying painful memories on a constant cycle.

This bias can make letting go feel like an impossible, uphill battle. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s just proof that your mind is trying to protect you, even if its methods are a bit outdated and unhelpful now.

The Core Beliefs We Form Along the Way

Many of our most stubborn struggles with the past are knotted up in the core beliefs we picked up during those tough times. A difficult childhood, a gut-wrenching breakup, or a major professional failure can teach us to believe certain things about ourselves and the world.

These beliefs often whisper things like:

• "I'm just not good enough."

• "You can't trust anyone; the world is a dangerous place."

• "I'll always end up alone."

• "I don't really deserve to be happy."

Once these ideas take root, they act like a filter, colouring everything we see. We start subconsciously hunting for evidence that confirms them, which only makes them stronger. So, letting go of a past event isn't just about that one moment; it means challenging a core belief that might have defined who you are for years. That can feel incredibly scary and destabilising.

If you want to dig deeper into how your early relationships shape these patterns, our guide on what attachment theory is and how it shapes you is a great place to start.

When It's Really Unresolved Grief and Trauma

Sometimes, what feels like an inability to "move on" is actually grief that hasn't been fully processed. And grief isn't just about death. We can grieve the loss of a relationship, a career, our health, or even the future we had all planned out. When we don't give ourselves the space to properly feel that loss, it sticks with us, tying us to the very moment it all went wrong.

Trauma is a different beast altogether, leaving a much deeper imprint on the brain and body. A traumatic event can lock our nervous system into a state of high alert, making it feel like the danger is still right here, right now, long after the event is over.

This is especially true when you look at conditions like PTSD. In the UK, it’s estimated that around 1 in 10 people will develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at some point. It’s a stark reminder of just how tough it can be to move past deeply distressing experiences without the right support.

Gently looking at these roots—without judging yourself—is how you can start to untangle the knots. It's not about blaming the past, but understanding its grip so you can finally reclaim your present.

Recognising these psychological reasons is the first real act of compassion you can give yourself on this journey. It helps shift the question from, "What's wrong with me for holding on?" to "What happened to me that makes letting go so incredibly difficult?" That gentle shift in perspective is where real healing can finally begin.

Actionable Therapeutic Strategies for Releasing the Past

Just waiting for time to heal old wounds often feels like a passive, frustrating game. Real progress comes from taking active, deliberate steps. Therapeutic strategies give us a structured way to engage with painful memories and, crucially, change the power they hold over us. It's best to think of these techniques not as magic fixes, but as practical tools you can use to reclaim your emotional wellbeing.

So, let's explore some exercises from established therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). We’ll walk through how to spot and reframe those unhelpful thought patterns, how to observe painful thoughts without getting swept away by them, and even use visualisation to symbolically let go of emotional baggage. These are things you can start doing today.

This flow chart below gives a great visual of the common psychological process – how a simple memory can snowball into a core part of our identity, making it so much harder to release.

It really shows that what we're holding onto often isn't just the event itself, but the whole web of belief and identity we've built around it.

Identify and Challenge Your Thoughts with CBT

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT, works on a straightforward principle: our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are all linked. By changing our unhelpful thought patterns (our cognitions), we can directly change how we feel and what we do. A key technique for this is something called Cognitive Restructuring.

Essentially, this process gets you to act like a detective, examining the cold, hard evidence for and against the automatic negative thoughts that keep you tethered to the past.

Here’s how you can start putting it into practice:

1. Catch the Thought: The next time you feel that wave of sadness, anger, or anxiety about a past event, just pause. Ask yourself: "What was I just thinking?" Jot down the exact thought. Maybe you've just had a job rejection, and the thought is, "I'll never succeed because I failed that interview."

2. Gather the Evidence: Now, look at that thought objectively. Is it 100% true? What proof do you have that supports it? More importantly, what evidence contradicts it? You’ve probably succeeded in other areas, and one interview is hardly a reliable predictor of your entire career.

3. Create a Balanced Thought: Using your evidence, write a more balanced and realistic statement. This isn't about slapping on a fake positive smile. A balanced thought might sound more like, "I am disappointed about that interview, but it was just one opportunity. I can learn from this and focus on preparing for the next one."

Doing this exercise consistently helps retrain your brain to challenge the harsh, black-and-white stories the past tries to tell you about your present. Guilt is a particularly powerful fuel for these negative thought loops. If that's something you're struggling with, our guide on how to manage guilt and move forward offers some more targeted support.

Comparing Therapeutic Approaches to Letting Go

While both CBT and ACT are brilliant for processing the past, they come at it from slightly different angles. CBT focuses on changing the content of your thoughts, while ACT aims to change your relationship to your thoughts. Seeing them side-by-side can help clarify which might feel like a better fit for you right now.

Therapeutic Technique	Core Principle	Example Exercise
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)	Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are interconnected. By changing negative thought patterns, we can change our emotional response.	Cognitive Restructuring: Identifying, challenging, and replacing unhelpful thoughts with more balanced and evidence-based ones.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)	Pain is an unavoidable part of life. Instead of fighting painful thoughts, we can learn to accept them and commit to value-driven actions.	Leaves on a Stream: A mindfulness exercise where you observe thoughts without judgement, placing them on imaginary leaves and letting them float away.

Ultimately, both paths lead towards the same goal: freeing yourself from the grip of the past. It’s often a case of experimenting to see which approach resonates most deeply.

Observe Your Thoughts with ACT

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has a different philosophy. Instead of trying to change your thoughts, ACT teaches you to change your relationship with them through mindfulness and acceptance. Painful thoughts aren't seen as facts to be wrestled with, but as temporary internal events—like clouds passing in the sky.

A really powerful exercise from ACT is called 'Leaves on a Stream'. It’s a mindfulness practice designed to create a bit of space between you and your distressing thoughts.

The goal isn’t to stop the thoughts, but to stop struggling with them. By simply observing them, you strip away their power to control your emotional state.

Here's a simple script to guide you through it:

• Find a comfortable spot to sit. You can close your eyes and just take a few deep breaths to settle in.

• Imagine yourself sitting beside a gently flowing stream. You can see leaves of all shapes and sizes floating past on the water.

• For the next few minutes, your only job is to place each thought that pops into your mind onto one of those leaves and watch it float away downstream.

• A sad thought? Place it on a leaf. A worried thought? On a leaf it goes. Even happy or neutral thoughts can be placed on leaves.

• The idea isn't to push the thoughts away, but to let them come and go without getting tangled up in them. If you notice your mind has wandered off, just gently guide your attention back to the stream.

This practice helps you experience a profound truth: you are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts, and that little bit of separation is the key to letting the past go.

Create a Symbolic Letting Go Ritual

Sometimes, our minds need a concrete, symbolic act to fully process and release emotional baggage. A Letting Go Visualisation is a private yet powerful ritual that can bring a real sense of closure. It’s about creating a deliberate moment to acknowledge your pain and then consciously decide to release it.

Many therapeutic approaches work with releasing emotional burdens. Some practices, like tension and trauma releasing exercises, do this by connecting the mind and body. This visualisation works on a similar principle, using mental imagery to create a tangible sense of release.

A Guided Visualisation Script

• Sit quietly and bring to mind the memory or feeling you want to release. Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain it has caused you, without judgement.

• Now, imagine you are holding that memory in your hands. What does it look and feel like? A heavy stone? A tangled mess of rope? A dark cloud? Give it a physical form.

• Visualise yourself walking towards the ocean. You can feel the sand under your feet and hear the rhythmic sound of the waves.

• Walk to the water's edge, holding the object that represents your past pain. Take a moment to thank it for any lessons it taught you, no matter how harsh.

• When you feel ready, say goodbye to it and throw it as far as you can into the water. Watch as the waves carry it away, further and further, until it's gone from sight.

• Stand there for a moment. Notice the feeling of lightness in your hands, in your body. Take a deep, cleansing breath and turn back to the shore, walking away from the ocean and back into your present moment.

These therapeutic strategies provide an active framework for moving on. It’s never about forgetting what happened, but about choosing to no longer let it define your life today.

Adapting Your Healing Practices for Real Life

The therapeutic strategies we've talked about are powerful, but they're not meant to be followed like a rigid prescription. Real, effective healing happens when you mould these tools to fit your own life, your personality, and your circumstances. Letting go of the past isn't a one-size-fits-all process; what works wonders for one person might not click with another.

This is all about customisation. It's about taking the core exercises and making them yours, whether that means getting out into nature or finding a method that works with your brain, not against it. The goal is to build a flexible, personal toolkit that helps you heal in a way that feels genuine and sustainable.

Taking Therapy Outdoors with Walk and Talk

For many of us, the very idea of a formal therapy room can feel a bit stiff and intimidating. If you find that moving your body helps you process your thoughts and emotions, then adapting something like a visualisation into a ‘Walk and Talk’ session can be incredibly powerful.

Instead of sitting with your eyes closed, imagine taking a walk through a park or some woodland. As you walk, you can mentally hold onto the memory or feeling you want to let go of. The simple, physical act of moving forward becomes a powerful metaphor for leaving the past behind you.

This approach brings a few key benefits:

• Reduced Intensity: The forward motion and natural surroundings can make it much easier to touch on difficult subjects without feeling so overwhelmed.

• Mind-Body Connection: It connects the mental process of letting go with the physical act of moving on, which really helps to reinforce the change.

• Natural Grounding: The sights, sounds, and smells of nature can be inherently calming, helping to regulate your nervous system while you work through tough emotions.

Tailored Support for Neurodiverse Individuals

Neurodivergent people, including those with autism or ADHD, often process memories, thoughts, and emotions in a unique way. Because of this, standard therapeutic exercises might need a few tweaks to be truly effective. The key is to work with your neurotype, not against it.

For instance, if you find abstract visualisations tricky, trying to picture a 'leaf on a stream' might just lead to frustration. So, why not use a physical object instead? You could write the difficult thought on an actual leaf or a small stone and literally place it in a stream or set it down and walk away.

Here are a few other practical adaptations to consider:

• Sensory Grounding Tools: If processing the past brings up overwhelming feelings, having sensory tools on hand can be a lifesaver. This could be anything from a weighted lap pad and a fidget toy to a specific scent you find calming. These tools help anchor you firmly in the present moment.

• Micro-Stepping Exercises: Sometimes, a big exercise like cognitive restructuring can feel like too much all at once. Breaking it down into tiny, manageable steps prevents that sense of overwhelm. Try focusing on just one single thought for a day, rather than trying to untangle everything at once.

• Visual Organisation with Mind-Mapping: For those who are visual thinkers, mind-mapping can be a brilliant way to organise thoughts around a past event. Put the event in the centre and draw out branches for the emotions, core beliefs, and behaviours connected to it. This can make a tangled web of feelings feel much more organised and less chaotic.

True healing isn't about forcing yourself into a predefined box. It's about finding the keys that unlock your own unique path to peace, even if those keys look different from everyone else's.

Using Journaling to Guide Your Reflections

Journaling is a classic tool for a reason—it gives you a safe, private space to explore your thoughts without any judgement. That said, a blank page can sometimes feel a bit daunting. Using structured prompts can guide your reflection and help you uncover much deeper insights.

Try these prompts to get you started:

• What is one small part of this past hurt that I can choose to release control over today?

• Write a compassionate letter to your past self, acknowledging their pain and offering the kindness you needed at that time.

• What is this memory trying to protect me from? What lesson did I learn that I can carry forward in a healthier way?

This process is deeply tied to self-kindness. For more on this, our quick guide on what self-compassion is and how to cultivate kinder thinking offers some really practical advice. To truly adapt healing practices for real life, exploring medically-sound lifestyle changes to improve mental wellbeing can also significantly support your overall journey. Ultimately, making these practices your own is what makes them work.

When to Seek Professional Support From a Therapist

The self-help strategies we've explored are fantastic tools for letting go of the past, but it's important to realise that sometimes the weight is just too heavy to carry alone. Deciding to get professional support isn't a sign of failure; far from it. It’s a profound act of strength and self-care, an acknowledgement that you deserve expert guidance on your healing journey.

Knowing when to make that call can be tricky, though. You might find yourself wondering if things are "bad enough" or if you should just try harder on your own. There are, however, some clear indicators that working with a therapist could be a crucial next step.

Signs It Might Be Time to Talk to Someone

If your efforts to move forward feel like you’re stuck in emotional quicksand, professional support can provide the firm ground you need. A therapist isn't there to take over, but to give you a safe space and specialised tools to help you navigate those complex feelings.

Consider reaching out if you’re consistently experiencing any of the following:

• Persistent Feelings of Hopelessness: A constant sense that things will never get better, or that the past will always define your future.

• Intrusive Memories or Flashbacks: Unwanted, vivid memories of past events that disrupt your day, causing real distress and making it hard to focus.

• Impact on Daily Functioning: Your struggle with the past is affecting your work, your relationships, or your ability to simply take care of yourself.

• Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: You find yourself relying on alcohol, substance use, disordered eating, or other harmful behaviours to try and numb the pain.

• Overwhelming Emotional States: You’re frequently swamped by anger, sadness, anxiety, or irritability that feels impossible to manage on your own.

These signs suggest the past isn’t just a memory; it’s an active, disruptive force in your life. Research highlights just how common and impactful past trauma can be. A landmark study of young people in England and Wales found that nearly one in three (31%) had experienced a traumatic event by age 18. Of those, a quarter developed PTSD, yet only a fifth sought help from mental health professionals, revealing a critical gap in support. You can read the full research on youth trauma and help-seeking behaviours for more detail.

What to Expect From Therapy in the UK

The idea of starting therapy can be a bit daunting, so let's demystify the process a little. Your first step is usually an initial consultation. Think of it as an informal, confidential chat where you can share a bit about what’s bringing you to therapy and ask any questions you have.

Recognising you need help is not a weakness. It is the first, bravest step towards reclaiming your life from the shadows of the past.

During this session, a good therapist will listen without judgement and help you figure out if their approach is the right fit for you. They might also discuss different therapeutic models that could be beneficial for what you're going through.

Therapeutic Approaches for Processing the Past

For deeply rooted issues related to the past, especially trauma, certain specialised therapies are particularly effective. These go beyond standard talking therapy to address how trauma is stored in both the mind and the body.

Two of the most well-regarded approaches are:

• Trauma-Informed Care: This isn't a specific technique but an overarching approach. A trauma-informed therapist understands the widespread impact of trauma and creates a safe therapeutic environment that prioritises physical and emotional safety, trust, and collaboration.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing): This is a structured therapy designed to help people heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that result from disturbing life experiences. It uses bilateral stimulation (like eye movements) to help the brain reprocess traumatic memories, effectively taking the emotional charge out of them.

As your author and a practising therapist, I specialise in helping people navigate these exact challenges. My work is grounded in creating a supportive space where you can safely explore the past and build a more empowered present.

If you recognise yourself in any of this and feel ready to take that next step, I encourage you to reach out for a confidential chat. Together, we can explore how therapy can support you on your unique journey towards letting go.

Common Questions About Letting Go

Deciding to let go of the past always brings up a lot of questions. It's a messy, deeply personal process, so it’s only natural to feel a bit lost as you start to untangle things. Here are some answers to the questions I hear most often from the people I work with.

Does Letting Go Mean I Have to Forgive the Person Who Hurt Me?

This is a big one, and a point that causes a lot of confusion. The simple answer is no. Letting go and forgiving are two completely different things, and it’s so important to realise that you don't have to do one to achieve the other.

Letting go is really an act of self-preservation. It’s about you, for you. It’s about releasing the crushing weight of a past event so it stops poisoning your present and hijacking your future.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, is about changing how you feel towards the person who caused the hurt. For some, forgiving is a powerful step in their own healing. But for many others, it doesn't feel right, safe, or even possible—and that's completely okay. You can absolutely release the grip a memory has on you without ever excusing what someone else did. The goal here is to find peace for yourself, entirely on your own terms.

How Long Does It Take to Truly Let Go of a Painful Experience?

There’s no magic number, and anyone who gives you a fixed timeline isn’t respecting the complexity of your emotions. Healing isn't a straight line; you'll have good days, and you'll have days where the past feels like it’s right there beside you again.

How long it takes depends on so many things: what you went through, who you have around you for support, and the kinds of therapeutic strategies you’re using. Your best tools in this process are patience and a whole lot of self-compassion.

Try to stop thinking about a finish line. Instead, focus on small, steady steps forward. Celebrate the little wins—a day when the past felt a bit quieter, or a moment you caught a negative thought and managed to challenge it. It's all about progress, not perfection.

What if Trying to Let Go Makes Me Feel Worse at First?

This happens more often than you’d think, and it can be really unsettling. When you start to consciously unpack painful memories you might have pushed down for years, it can feel like you’re opening up an old wound to clean it out. It’s not uncommon for emotions to get more intense before they start to ease.

Often, this initial spike of discomfort is actually a sign that real healing is starting. It means you’re finally letting yourself feel what needed to be felt all along. But it’s vital to have good support around you during this phase, whether that’s a trusted friend or a professional therapist.

If you feel overwhelmed, grounding techniques can be a massive help. But if those intense feelings stick around or start to feel unmanageable, it’s a strong sign that getting professional guidance from a counsellor could make all the difference in navigating this stage safely.

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I hope these answers bring a bit of clarity as you move forward. Just remember, letting go is a journey, not a destination. Simply taking that first step is an incredible act of courage. If you feel you need more personalised support, Therapy with Ben is here to help you find your own path toward healing and emotional freedom. You can find out more about what I do and book a session here.