How to Let Go of Someone and Heal

Letting go of someone you love isn’t about trying to forget they ever existed. That’s an impossible task. It’s more about learning to live a full and meaningful life again, one where their constant presence is no longer the central feature.

This means actively working through your grief, getting to grips with the science of attachment that bonds us so tightly, and slowly, intentionally, rebuilding your routines and even your sense of self. It's a journey that demands a lot of self-compassion, not a race you have to win.

Why Letting Go Feels Almost Impossible

If you’re finding it incredibly difficult to move on, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Learning how to let go of someone is one of the most challenging emotional tasks any of us will ever face. It’s so much more complicated than just deciding to stop caring.

What you’re going through is a deep, biological, and psychological process. It feels like grieving a profound loss because, in so many ways, that's exactly what it is.

This struggle isn’t a sign of weakness. If anything, it’s a testament to your capacity to love and connect deeply with another person. We are fundamentally wired for connection. When a significant relationship ends, it triggers a powerful disruption that can shake the very foundations of your world. This isn't just in your head; it's a physiological response.

The Science of Our Connections

At the heart of this struggle is attachment. From our earliest moments, we form bonds that give us a sense of security and belonging. These first experiences create a kind of blueprint for how we connect with others as adults.

When one of these meaningful bonds is broken, it can feel like a genuine threat to our survival. If you want to dive deeper into this, our guide on what attachment theory is and how it shapes you can offer some real clarity. Understanding your own attachment style might just be the key to figuring out why this particular separation hurts so much.

The pain is then magnified by the sheer disruption to your day-to-day life. Your routines, your little habits, your plans for the future—they were all likely intertwined with this person. Their absence creates a void, leaving you to find your way in a world that suddenly feels unfamiliar and empty.

Letting go is not a single event, but a gradual process of untangling your life, thoughts, and emotions from someone who was once a central part of your identity. It requires patience and immense self-compassion.

Reframing the Healing Journey

It's so important to allow yourself to feel whatever comes up—sadness, anger, confusion, maybe even moments of relief. There is no 'right' way to feel. This whole journey isn't about erasing memories, but about slowly changing your relationship with them.

For many of us, this process happens at different stages of life, which adds another layer of complexity. Here in the UK, for instance, the average age at divorce is rising. Men are now typically separating around age 47 and women at 45.

This trend shows that the task of rediscovering yourself outside of a long-term partnership often happens later in life, making the process of letting go feel very different for everyone. Ultimately, the goal isn't to go back to who you were before, but to build a new life that honours your past while allowing you to move forward with strength and a renewed sense of purpose.

Taking Your First Steps Towards Acceptance

Right after a relationship ends, things can feel pretty chaotic and overwhelming. The goal here isn't to slap on a happy face or pretend you're fine—it’s about gently, honestly making space for what you're actually feeling. Learning how to let go of someone always starts with just acknowledging the reality of the situation, no matter how much it hurts.

Think of this phase as finding your feet in the middle of a storm. It’s about letting the waves of grief, anger, or confusion hit you without judging yourself for feeling them. Your only job right now is to stay afloat, one breath at a time. Trying to bottle it all up will only make the pain stick around for longer.

This process is so tough because it hits us on a few different levels at once: our core attachments get severed, our daily routines are thrown into chaos, and only then can we really start to grieve the loss.

As you can see, letting go isn't just an emotional puzzle. It's a practical one too. We have to untangle ourselves from shared habits and deep-seated bonds before we can properly work through the grief itself.

Process Your Feelings Through Journaling

One of the most powerful tools you have right now is a simple pen and paper. Journaling gives you a totally private, safe space to pour out everything that’s on your mind, completely unfiltered. Don't worry about grammar or if it makes sense. Just get it out.

This simple act helps to get the turmoil out of your head and onto the page, which can make it all feel a bit more manageable. If you're stuck, you could start with a few prompts:

• What am I most afraid of right now?

• What specific memory is causing me pain today?

• What’s one thing I miss, and one thing I definitely don’t?

The point of journaling isn’t to find instant answers. It's about giving your experience the attention it deserves, which is a vital first step on the road to healing.

Give yourself permission to grieve on your own timeline. There is no 'right' way to feel, and comparing your journey to others' will only add unnecessary pressure. Your healing process is uniquely yours.

Create a 'Reality Check' to Counter Idealisation

When we’re hurting, it’s amazing how our minds can start playing tricks on us, romanticising the past. We replay all the highlights—the laughter, the holidays, the cosy nights in—while conveniently forgetting the arguments, the letdowns, and the very real reasons the relationship ended. It’s a classic defence mechanism.

To pull yourself back from that nostalgic haze, try creating a 'reality check' list. This isn't about being bitter or cynical; it's about being honest and balanced. It's a tool to ground you when your mind starts to drift.

Many studies have shown how we tend to put on ‘rose-coloured glasses’ after a breakup, selectively remembering the good times. This can really prolong the pain and keep us emotionally stuck. In fact, guidance from this UK divorce report often highlights the importance of focusing on factual memories to break this cycle.

A simple table can be a brilliant way to do this.

A Reality Check Framework to Counter Idealisation

Use this table to ground your memories in reality, helping you move from an idealised view of the past to a more balanced perspective.

Idealised Memory or Thought	The Balanced Reality (Including challenges)	A Neutral, Factual Statement
"We were so perfect together; I'll never find that again."	"We had some wonderful times, but we also argued a lot about finances and couldn't agree on our future."	"We had both good and difficult moments in our relationship."
"I miss our Sunday morning walks so much."	"Yes, those were nice, but I also remember feeling lonely on many weekends when they prioritised their hobbies over me."	"Sunday morning walks were one part of our routine together."
"They were my soulmate."	"I felt a deep connection, but we had fundamental differences in communication that we couldn't resolve."	"The relationship ended because we were incompatible in key areas."

When you feel that pull towards idealising what you've lost, take a look at your list or table. It acts as a gentle, factual reminder of the whole picture, not just the glossy edited version.

This simple act can be incredibly powerful. It weakens the grip of nostalgia and allows a more honest sense of acceptance to finally take root. By seeing the relationship for what it truly was—a mix of good and bad—you can begin letting go of the fantasy and start moving forward.

Creating Space with Clear Boundaries

If you're going to heal properly, you need space. This isn't just a nice idea; it means creating real, tangible distance—physically, emotionally, and even digitally. It’s about giving your mind and heart the room they need to breathe and recover.

This isn’t about being cruel or trying to punish the other person. Think of it as a profound act of self-care. You're consciously protecting your emotional energy and choosing to redirect it back towards yourself, where it's needed most right now.

Every time you honour one of these boundaries, you're sending a powerful message to yourself: your well-being comes first. This builds up your internal resilience, making it easier to resist the impulse to reach out and keeping your focus firmly on your own recovery.

The Power of a No Contact Period

One of the most effective ways I've seen clients create this space is by implementing a ‘no contact’ period. It's exactly what it sounds like: cutting off all communication, direct or indirect, for a set amount of time. You might start with 30 days, or maybe you need 90 days, or even longer. It’s a clean break.

Why does it work so well? It stops the painful cycle of hope, confusion, and disappointment that often comes with on-again, off-again contact.

This means:

• No calls or texts.

• No DMs on social media.

• No looking at their stories or posts (this is a big one!).

• No asking mutual friends how they're doing.

The goal is to starve the emotional connection of the little hits of reinforcement it gets from even tiny interactions. I know it can feel extreme, even brutal, at first. But trust me, it's one of the fastest ways to break the habit of emotional dependency and start reclaiming your mental peace.

Managing Your Digital World

These days, a breakup doesn't just happen in person; it plays out all over our screens. Your phone and social media accounts can quickly become a minefield of painful reminders, giving you endless chances to check up on them. Taking control of this digital space isn't optional—it's essential for healing.

Here are a few practical steps you can take right now:

• Mute, Unfollow, or Block. You don’t have to make a huge statement by blocking them everywhere (unless you feel it's necessary for your safety or peace of mind). Simply muting their accounts on Instagram or Facebook is a quieter way to get them out of your feed without the finality of blocking. This simple act can dramatically reduce your daily emotional triggers.

• Curate Your Own Profile. It might be time to remove old photos or posts that bring up painful memories. This isn't about erasing your history; it's about creating a digital space that supports where you are now.

• Adjust Your Phone Settings. If you find yourself scrolling through old message threads, archive them. Take their number out of your favourites list. If the temptation is too strong, you might even need to delete their contact entirely.

Protecting your peace is not a selfish act. Setting digital and physical boundaries is the foundation upon which you can rebuild your emotional strength and independence. It’s your permission slip to focus solely on you.

Navigating Mutual Friendships and Social Situations

Let's be honest, this is one of the trickiest parts. Managing a shared social circle requires a delicate balance—you need to protect yourself without isolating yourself from friends you value.

If you have mutual friends, it's perfectly okay to be direct, but gentle. You could try saying something like, "I'm going through a really tough time and just need some space to heal. I'd really appreciate it if you could avoid sharing updates about [their name] with me for a while."

Good friends will understand and respect that. And what about social events? If you get invited to something and you know they'll be there, it is 100% acceptable to say no if you don't feel ready. Your emotional well-being has to be your priority.

A massive part of this process is learning to say no without guilt and setting boundaries, a skill that will serve you long after you've healed from this. If this all feels new or daunting, our quick and practical guide to setting healthy boundaries offers more in-depth advice to get you started.

Finally, a word on guilt. It's a common roadblock. You might feel bad for creating distance or turning down an invitation. Acknowledge that feeling, but don't let it knock you off course. You are not responsible for how they feel about your boundaries; you are only responsible for your own healing. Stay the course—it’s worth it.

Rediscovering Who You Are Now

It’s completely normal to feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself when a significant relationship ends. For months, or maybe even years, your identity was wrapped up with someone else’s – you were part of a ‘we’. The process of letting go is really about gently shifting your focus from that sense of loss to the quiet opportunity you now have to rediscover the ‘I’.

This isn't about trying to erase who you were in the relationship. Instead, it's about consciously building on who you're becoming now. It’s a chance to properly reconnect with your own values, passions, and goals, creating a life that feels authentically and completely yours. You're simply moving from a shared identity back to a strong, independent one.

It's interesting how our surroundings shape this journey, too. Across the UK, the social side of a breakup can look very different depending on where you live. London, for example, is sometimes dubbed the ‘divorce capital’ of the UK, with a separation rate almost three times higher than elsewhere. It just goes to show that letting go isn’t only an internal process; it’s influenced by our social environment and how we redefine ourselves within our community. If you're curious, you can discover more insights into these UK social dynamics.

Exploring Your Values and Passions

A great place to start is just getting curious about what truly matters to you, as an individual, right now. Your core values might have changed, or perhaps they were just put on a back burner for a while. Take a moment to reflect.

• What principles guide you? Think about qualities like honesty, creativity, security, or compassion. Which ones feel most important to you today?

• What activities make you lose track of time? This could be anything from gardening or painting to coding or hiking.

• What did you enjoy before the relationship? Is there an old hobby or interest you let slide that you could pick up again?

Answering these questions helps you build a new internal compass, one that points you towards decisions and activities aligned with your authentic self, rather than being shaped by the habits of a partnership. This isn't just about filling time; it's about investing in your own joy and fulfilment.

Rediscovering yourself isn't about finding a 'new you', but about returning to the person you've always been, underneath the layers of shared experiences. It’s a coming home to yourself.

Finding Joy in Your Own Company

Learning to not just tolerate but actually enjoy being by yourself is one of the most empowering skills you can develop after a breakup. In a way, it’s your chance to date yourself. Treat yourself with the same curiosity and care you would a new friend.

Start with small, manageable steps. The goal is to build your confidence and comfort with solitude.

• Go to the cinema alone: Pick a film you’ve been wanting to see and enjoy it without compromise.

• Take a solo walk somewhere new: Explore a local park, a nature reserve, or a part of town you don't know well. The principle that movement and nature are incredibly healing is the foundation of our walk and talk therapy sessions.

• Learn a new skill: Sign up for an online course or a local workshop in something you've always been curious about, whether that's pottery, a new language, or basic car maintenance.

• Set a small personal goal: It could be running a 5k, reading one book a month, or mastering a new recipe each week. Achieving these little goals builds self-esteem and gives you a sense of accomplishment that is entirely your own.

Each of these small acts reinforces your independence and proves that you are capable and complete on your own. It's a gradual process, rebuilding your life around your own centre of gravity, where your happiness no longer depends on someone else. By taking these intentional steps, you’ll start to see that this period of letting go is also a period of profound self-discovery and growth.

Building Your Support System for Lasting Healing

Trying to let go of someone you cared about is a huge undertaking, and it’s certainly not something you should have to do completely on your own. While much of the work involves looking inwards, real, lasting healing is often built on a solid foundation of compassionate support.

It can feel incredibly vulnerable to lean on friends and family, but it’s a crucial part of the process. Sharing what you’re going through, even just a little, can lift a phenomenal weight off your shoulders. It’s a powerful reminder that you aren’t alone and that what you’re feeling is completely valid.

Sometimes, though, the support of loved ones isn’t quite enough. The pain can feel too deep or persistent to manage by yourself. Recognising when you might need professional help isn’t a sign of weakness—it's a sign of immense strength.

When to Consider Professional Support

It’s often hard to tell when the natural, painful process of a breakup tips over into something that needs more structured support. If you find yourself nodding along to any of the points below, it might be time to think about reaching out to a therapist.

• You feel completely stuck. Weeks, or even months, have passed, but that raw, intense pain just hasn’t shifted.

• Your daily life is suffering. You’re finding it hard to cope with work, look after yourself properly, or manage your usual responsibilities.

• You feel persistently overwhelmed. The sadness, anger, or anxiety feels all-consuming, and moments of peace are few and far between.

• You’re isolating yourself. You’ve started to withdraw from friends, family, and the activities you once enjoyed.

These aren’t signs that you've failed. They're simply indicators that you could benefit from a dedicated, safe space to work through it all. If you're not sure where to begin, our practical UK guide on how to find a therapist can help demystify the process.

Therapy isn't about 'fixing' something that's broken. It's about being given the tools, space, and non-judgmental support to navigate a difficult chapter and build a more resilient future. It is an empowering step in your recovery.

How Therapy Can Help You Heal

Therapy provides a unique environment where you can explore everything you’re feeling without the fear of judgment or of burdening others. A qualified counsellor can offer strategies and fresh perspectives that friends, however well-meaning, simply can't. It’s really about building your personal toolkit for managing grief and moving forward.

At Therapy with Ben, we know that everyone's path to healing looks different. That’s why we offer a few different approaches, because finding the right fit is so important for making progress.

• Face-to-Face Therapy: For many, the traditional setting of in-person therapy at our Cheltenham practice creates a sense of safety and focused connection. It carves out a dedicated time and space each week that is entirely yours.

• Online Therapy: If your schedule is packed, you live further afield, or you just feel more comfortable at home, online counselling offers brilliant flexibility and access without compromising on the quality of support.

• Walk and Talk Therapy: This is a unique approach that combines the benefits of counselling with gentle physical activity out in nature. The simple act of walking side-by-side can make it easier to open up and process difficult emotions, creating a more dynamic and less intense therapeutic experience.

Each of these methods offers a confidential space to challenge unhelpful thoughts, manage difficult emotions, and gradually start building a life that feels whole again.

The Role of Self-Care in Your Support System

Beyond leaning on others and seeking professional help, a crucial part of your support system is how you support yourself. Prioritising self-care isn't a luxury during this time; it's an absolute necessity for emotional repair. It’s about making small, consistent choices that send a clear message to yourself: you are worthy of care.

This might look like making sure you get enough sleep, eating nourishing meals, or getting some gentle exercise. It's also about setting aside time for things that soothe your soul, whether that’s getting lost in a book, listening to music, or spending time in nature. For anyone looking for practical ideas, this guide on 8 actionable self-care tips for men has some excellent starting points that can really boost your mental health.

By weaving together personal self-care, the support of loved ones, and the guidance of a professional, you create a powerful, multi-layered network. This system doesn't just help you survive the pain of letting go; it empowers you to heal fully and build a stronger, more resilient future.

Your Questions About Letting Go, Answered

Working through the process of letting go brings up a lot of questions. That’s completely normal. When your world feels upside down, it’s natural to look for a map, to ask if what you’re feeling is okay. Here are some of the most common questions I hear in my practice, answered with the clarity and compassion you need right now.

How Long Does This Actually Take?

This is the big one, isn't it? If I had a pound for every time I was asked this, I'd be a rich man. The honest, albeit frustrating, answer is that there’s no set timeline. It’s a deeply personal journey, and how long it takes is shaped by so many things: the nature of the relationship, how it ended, your own personal history, and the support you have around you.

Instead of staring at a calendar, which just adds pressure, I encourage people to focus on small, forward steps. Some days will be a slog; you might even feel like you’ve gone backwards. That’s okay. That's part of it. The goal isn’t to sprint to a finish line. It’s about gradually, over time, feeling a little more peace and a little more like yourself again. Be kind to yourself through all of it.

Is It Okay That I Still Love Them?

Yes. Absolutely, one hundred percent, yes. Letting go of someone doesn't mean flicking a switch on your feelings or pretending the love wasn't real. It's far more complex than that.

The work is about loosening the attachment—that painful, day-to-day grip the person has on your emotional wellbeing. It’s not about erasing love from your history. Over time, that feeling can shift. It can transform into something quieter, more like a fond, distant memory rather than an active, painful longing. Simply acknowledging your feelings without judging them is a huge part of the healing process.

Letting go doesn't mean you stop caring. It means you stop carrying the weight of the past into every moment of your present. It's about finding peace, not erasing history.

What if I Can't Avoid Seeing Them?

This is a genuinely tough situation. It comes up a lot with co-parenting, sharing a workplace, or having the same tight-knit group of friends. In these cases, a clean break or ‘no contact’ just isn’t on the cards. The focus has to pivot from physical distance to creating emotional distance.

This means you have to get really good at setting and holding boundaries.

• Keep it brief and to the point. Stick to the necessary topic, whether it's about the kids' school run or a project deadline. No more, no less.

• Be polite but neutral. You're not aiming for cold, just professional and emotionally detached. Swerve any personal questions or trips down memory lane.

• Limit your availability. You don’t have to get drawn into a long chat. Once the necessary business is done, find a polite way to end the conversation.

This is all about protecting your own emotional energy and stopping yourself from being pulled back into old, painful dynamics. It’s also crucial to have people you can lean on outside of these interactions to help you process the feelings that will inevitably come up.

Will I Ever Stop Thinking About Them?

The short answer is that the intensity will fade. Right now, it might feel like they live rent-free in your head, occupying every quiet moment. That's a normal part of grieving.

But as you start to heal—as you build new routines, make new memories, and pour energy back into your own life—your brain will naturally find other things to focus on. The goal isn't to wipe your memory clean; that would be unrealistic for someone who was once a huge part of your life.

The real aim is to get to a place where the memories no longer feel like a punch to the gut. When they do pop into your head, it will feel more neutral. It becomes just a chapter of your story, one that has now closed, rather than an open wound you’re constantly tending to.

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If you feel stuck in this process or think some professional guidance could help, Therapy with Ben is here. I provide a safe, non-judgemental space to explore what you're going through and develop practical strategies for moving forward. Whether that’s face-to-face sessions in Cheltenham, flexible online counselling, or the unique approach of walk and talk therapy, we can find what works for you.

To find out more or book an initial session, feel free to visit my website: https://www.therapy-with-ben.co.uk.