How to Build Trust in Relationships: Proven Tips

By Therapy-with-Ben

Building trust in a relationship isn't about grand, sweeping gestures. It's built in the small, everyday moments. It's about consistently showing up and proving through your actions that your partner is safe, valued, and can truly count on you. This foundation is laid brick by brick through honesty, dependability, and a genuine concern for their well-being.

What Does Trust in a Relationship Really Mean?

Before we can get into how to build trust, it's worth taking a moment to understand what we're actually building. Many people think trust is just about believing your partner is telling the truth, but it’s so much deeper than that.

At its core, trust is a profound sense of emotional and psychological safety with another person. It's the quiet confidence that they have your back, that they mean what they say, and that their actions will line up with their words. Without this security, a relationship can feel like it's on shaky ground, where every word is questioned and every action is scrutinised.

True trust is what allows us to be vulnerable, to connect, and to be our authentic selves without fearing judgement or abandonment. The way we even develop this capacity for trust is often shaped by our earliest experiences. You can explore this a bit more by understanding how attachment styles influence self-worth.

The Four Essential Pillars of Trust

In my therapy practice, I often break trust down into four essential pillars. I like to think of them as the legs of a table—if one is weak or broken, the entire structure becomes unstable. Getting your head around these pillars can help you pinpoint exactly where trust might be struggling in your own relationship, which is the perfect starting point for the practical strategies that follow.

The infographic below really helps to illustrate three of these core components that make a relationship feel trustworthy.

This visual shows how reliability, sincerity, and competence form a powerful trio that underpins relational security. Let's explore these, plus a crucial fourth pillar that I believe holds it all together.

To make this clearer, I've put together a simple table that summarises these four pillars. It breaks down what each one means and gives some real-world examples of what builds them up versus what tears them down.

The Four Pillars of Trust in Relationships

Pillar of Trust	What It Means	Behaviour That Builds It	Behaviour That Erodes It
Reliability	Can I count on you? It's about consistency and dependability.	Following through on promises, showing up on time, being consistent in your support.	Making excuses, frequently cancelling plans, not doing what you said you would.
Sincerity	Do you mean what you say? It's about honesty and authenticity.	Being open about your feelings (even difficult ones), words matching actions.	Hiding things, telling white lies, saying what you think the other person wants to hear.
Competence	Are you capable? It's about your ability to handle your responsibilities.	Managing shared finances responsibly, offering sound advice, providing good emotional support.	Making poor decisions repeatedly, being unable to manage responsibilities, creating chaos.
Care	Do you have my best interests at heart? It's about genuine concern and empathy.	Considering your partner’s needs, protecting them, celebrating their wins.	Being selfish, dismissive of their feelings, acting without considering the impact on them.

Understanding these pillars gives us a map. When trust is broken, you can usually trace it back to a crack in one of these four areas. This framework helps turn a vague feeling of "I don't trust them" into a specific problem you can actually start to work on.

This idea of earned trust isn't just for our personal lives; it plays out across society. Think about it in the UK, for instance. A recent government survey found that 57% of people in England and Wales report high trust in charities. This figure is heavily influenced by public perceptions of reliability and care—the same pillars we see in our own relationships. It just goes to show how fundamental these principles are, whether it's between two people or between an organisation and the public it serves.

Creating a Safe Space for Open Communication

The building blocks of trust we've talked about simply can't stand up in silence. Trust is built on a foundation of vulnerability, and for anyone to be vulnerable, they need to feel safe. Genuinely safe. Safe enough to share their deepest thoughts, fears, and needs without worrying about judgement or being attacked. This is where open, honest dialogue becomes the very lifeblood of a secure relationship.

So many couples I work with in my practice aren't struggling because they don't care about each other. It's often because they just don't know how to talk in a way that builds connection instead of conflict. The real goal is to create a dynamic where being your true self isn't just accepted, but actively celebrated.

That's why learning how to improve communication is such a fundamental step. It gives you the tools to create a secure environment and forge a much stronger, more meaningful connection with your partner.

The Power of 'I Feel' Statements

One of the most transformative shifts you can make in how you communicate is switching from accusatory "you" statements to expressive "I feel" statements. Think about it. A "you" statement nearly always lands like an attack, instantly putting your partner on the defensive and slamming the door on any chance of a productive chat.

For instance, saying, "You never listen to me," is a sweeping accusation that just begs for a defensive reply like, "Yes, I do!" And just like that, you're in a battle, not a collaboration.

An "I feel" statement, on the other hand, shares what's going on for you internally without assigning blame. It's a subtle change, but it's a profound one. It turns an attack into an invitation for your partner to step into your world and understand you better.

Let's look at how this one little switch can completely change the tone:

• Instead of: "You always make plans without me." (This sounds like a criticism).

• Try: "I feel left out and a bit lonely when I find out about plans after they're made." (This expresses your feelings).

• Instead of: "You're not helping enough around the house." (This is a clear accusation).

• Try: "I feel overwhelmed with the chores and would really appreciate some more help." (This is a vulnerable request for support).

This approach isn't about tiptoeing around the real issues. It's about presenting them in a way that actually allows your partner to hear you, empathise with your experience, and work with you to find a solution.

Becoming an Active Listener

Communication is definitely a two-way street. Being able to share your own feelings is vital, but it's only half the story. Just as important is the ability to truly hear what your partner is saying. This goes far beyond just waiting for your turn to speak. It’s about active listening, where your main goal is to understand the emotion and meaning behind their words.

"True listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to another person. It communicates respect and care, and it creates the safety required for genuine trust to flourish."

When you're actively listening, you're not just processing sounds; you're engaging with their entire experience. This means paying attention to the non-verbal cues – their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their body language. These cues often tell a much richer story than the words themselves.

To start becoming a more active listener, try practising these techniques:

1. Ask Clarifying Questions: Show you're engaged and want to understand. Ask things like, "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What I think I'm hearing is... is that right?" This not only helps you understand better, it makes your partner feel properly heard.

2. Validate Their Feelings: Validation doesn't mean you have to agree. It's simply about acknowledging that their feelings are real and valid from their point of view. A simple phrase like, "I can see why you would feel that way," or "That sounds really difficult," can be incredibly powerful.

3. Reflect and Summarise: Briefly say back what you've heard in your own words. This confirms you've understood correctly and gives them a chance to correct any misinterpretations before they become bigger issues.

Building these communication skills is an ongoing practice, not a one-time fix. For a deeper look into specific strategies, you can also explore our guide on how to communicate better in relationships. By focusing on both how you speak and how you listen, you're creating the fertile ground where trust can truly thrive.

The Power of Small, Consistent Actions

Hollywood loves a grand, dramatic gesture, but that’s not what builds real, lasting trust. In my experience, true trust is much quieter. It’s forged in the small, everyday moments of reliability—the hundreds of tiny choices we make that prove our partner can count on us.

This consistency is the bedrock of dependability. It's the unspoken promise that you are who you say you are, day in and day out. It’s about showing up when you say you will, following through on a promise to take the bins out, or remembering a small but important detail they shared about their day.

These moments might feel minor, but they’re the threads that weave a strong fabric of trust.

The Slow Erosion of Minor Unreliability

In my therapy practice, I’ve seen countless relationships where trust hasn't been shattered by one big betrayal. Instead, it’s been slowly worn away by a constant drip of minor unreliability. This 'death by a thousand cuts' can be just as damaging because it creates a persistent, low-level anxiety.

When a partner is consistently late, forgets promises, or overcommits and under-delivers, it sends a clear message: "You are not a priority." The other person starts to feel like they can't depend on anything, which leaves them feeling insecure and constantly on edge.

This erosion is insidious. The unreliable partner often doesn't see the harm, brushing off each incident as a small mistake. But for the person on the receiving end, the cumulative effect is a deep-seated belief that they simply can’t rely on the person they love.

Building Your Foundation of Dependability

Becoming a more dependable partner is an active choice. It takes self-awareness and a real commitment to making your actions line up with your words. This isn’t about being perfect; it's about striving for consistency and owning it when you mess up.

Here are a few practical ways to cultivate that dependability:

• Manage Your Commitments Realistically: One of the biggest culprits of unreliability is the habit of saying "yes" to everything. Before making a promise, just pause. Ask yourself if you realistically have the time and energy to follow through. It’s so much better to politely decline than to agree and let someone down.

• Communicate Proactively When Things Go Wrong: Life happens. You’ll be late, you’ll forget something, you’ll make a mistake. The key is to communicate as soon as you know there's a problem. A quick text saying, "So sorry, I'm running 15 minutes late," is a small act of respect that validates your partner's time and feelings.

• Focus on the Follow-Through: Get into the habit of doing what you say you're going to do. This applies to everything, from big promises to the smallest tasks. Every single time you follow through, you deposit a little more trust into the relationship's emotional bank account.

In essence, commitment is a verb. It is the actions you take daily to let your partner know you are with them and that you make decisions with them in mind. When you choose commitment, you create trust and safety.

This principle works on a massive scale, too. A survey from the British Foreign Policy Group found that only 38% of Britons trust the United States to act responsibly on the world stage. Why? Because a series of actions and policy decisions directly influenced that trust. Just as nations build trust through reliable alliances, partners must build it through consistent, reliable actions. You can read more in the full survey of UK public opinion on foreign policy.

Ultimately, learning how to build trust in relationships comes down to demonstrating, through your small, consistent actions, that your partner is safe with you. It's about showing them, day after day, that they can truly, deeply count on you.

How to Rebuild Trust After It Is Broken

Working through a betrayal is one of the most painful and complex challenges any relationship can go through. The ground beneath your feet feels like it's given way, shattering your sense of safety and making the future feel deeply uncertain. But I want to be clear: healing is possible.

Rebuilding trust isn't a quick fix or something that happens overnight. It's a deliberate, gradual journey that demands an incredible amount of commitment from both people. This isn't about forgetting what happened. It’s about building a new, more honest foundation together—one that’s strong enough to hold the weight of the past. It takes courage and a real, shared desire to repair what’s been broken.

A Genuine Apology: The Non-Negotiable First Step

Before you can even think about moving forward, there has to be a genuine, heartfelt apology from the person who broke the trust. This is the absolute, non-negotiable starting point. A real apology is so much more than just muttering, "I'm sorry." It’s about showing you truly understand the depth of the pain you’ve caused.

A meaningful apology has a few key parts:

• It takes full responsibility. There are no "buts" or "ifs." Phrases like "I'm sorry, but you were..." or "I'm sorry if you felt..." aren't apologies at all. They're just ways of deflecting blame, and they completely invalidate the hurt partner's feelings.

• It names the specific wrongdoing. A vague "I'm sorry for everything" just won’t cut it. The apology needs to acknowledge the specific action, showing that the person actually gets what they did wrong.

• It expresses sincere remorse. The hurt partner needs to see and feel that the person who betrayed them is truly sorry for the pain they've inflicted—not just sorry they were caught.

• It includes a plan for change. An apology has to be backed up by a commitment to change the behaviour that led to the betrayal in the first place. This means outlining the actual steps you'll take to make sure it never, ever happens again.

Trying to rebuild anything without this foundational step is like trying to build a house on sand. It simply won't work.

Using Transparency as Reassurance

Once a real apology has been made, the next phase usually involves a period of increased transparency. It’s so important to frame this the right way. This isn't about punishment or surveillance; it’s a necessary tool to provide reassurance while the hurt partner’s sense of safety is slowly being pieced back together.

For a while, the person who broke the trust has to be willing to be an open book. This could mean voluntarily sharing phone access, being crystal clear about their whereabouts, or just proactively checking in throughout the day. This willing transparency helps to quiet the anxiety of the betrayed partner and shows a real commitment to earning back their confidence.

Rebuilding trust isn't about demanding it back; it's about earning it through consistent, honest, and reassuring actions. It's a process of showing, not just telling, that you are once again a safe harbour.

It's important to remember that this period of transparency has a purpose: to get to a point where it's no longer needed. The goal is always to re-establish that feeling of security so the relationship can eventually return to a place of mutual trust, without the need for constant verification.

For the Hurt Partner: Navigating Your Healing

If you're the one who has been hurt, your journey is just as important and challenging. You have to give yourself permission to feel the entire spectrum of your emotions—anger, sadness, confusion—without any judgement. Pushing those feelings down will only get in the way of your healing.

Here are a few healthy ways to process what you're feeling and communicate what you need:

1. Clearly State What You Need: Your partner can't read your mind. You need to be able to articulate what it is you need to feel safe again. For example, "I need you to check in with me when you're going to be late," or "I need us to talk for ten minutes each evening without any distractions."

2. Set Firm Boundaries: Boundaries aren't walls to keep your partner out; they are guidelines to keep yourself safe. This might look like saying, "I'm not ready to talk about this right now," or "I need some space to myself this evening."

3. Understand Forgiveness is a Personal Process: Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about condoning the behaviour or letting your partner "off the hook." It’s a personal process of letting go of the anger and resentment so that you can heal. This happens on your own timeline and doesn’t mean you have to immediately trust them again.

This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Knowing how to build trust in relationships after it's been shattered means accepting there will be good days and bad days. But with consistent effort, a stronger, more honest connection can emerge from the pain.

Deepening Your Connection Through Empathy

We trust people who we feel truly ‘get’ us. While clear communication lays the groundwork and consistent actions build the structure, empathy is the vital ingredient that turns a house into a home. It’s the ability to step into your partner’s world and connect with their experience on an emotional level.

Empathy is what makes someone feel seen, heard, and fundamentally understood. When your partner knows you’re genuinely trying to grasp their feelings, not just the facts of a situation, it creates a powerful sense of security. They feel like you are truly on their team, which is absolutely central to learning how to build trust in relationships.

This goes far beyond just logic; it's about creating a shared emotional world where both of you feel validated and safe. This connection reinforces the very core of what it means to trust someone with your heart.

Empathy Versus Sympathy

It’s crucial to understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. People often use the terms interchangeably, but in a therapeutic context, their impact on a relationship is worlds apart. Only one truly builds deep, relational trust.

Sympathy is feeling for someone. It’s looking down from the outside and saying, “That’s a shame,” or “I feel sorry for you.” While it's usually well-intentioned, sympathy actually creates distance. It positions you as an observer of their pain, not a participant in their world.

Empathy, on the other hand, is feeling with someone. It’s about metaphorically climbing into the emotional hole with them, not to fix it, but simply to say, “I’m here with you, and you are not alone.” This shared experience is what forges an unbreakable bond.

Empathy is about connection, not correction. It's the willingness to feel alongside your partner, which communicates a profound level of care and respect.

Practical Exercises to Cultivate Empathy

The good news is that empathy isn’t just a feeling; it’s a skill that can be practised and strengthened over time. Trying some intentional exercises together can transform your ability to connect with each other’s inner worlds.

Here are a couple of powerful techniques you can start with:

• Perspective-Taking: Set aside some time where one person shares a recent experience—a stressful day at work, a frustration, or a moment of joy. The listener's only job is to imagine themselves in that situation. Afterwards, the listener can say something like, “If I were in your shoes, I imagine I would have felt…” This validates the speaker’s feelings and shows a genuine effort to understand their world.

• Reflective Listening: This builds on the active listening we discussed earlier. After your partner shares something, you reflect back not just the content but the emotions you hear beneath the words. For example, "It sounds like you felt really unappreciated and frustrated when that happened." Hearing their feelings mirrored back makes people feel deeply understood.

Incorporating these practices requires patience, but they are incredibly effective. For more insight into how this works in a therapeutic setting, you can read about empathy in counselling as an unseen healing force.

This need for trustworthy connections isn't just personal; it's reflected in wider society. In the UK, data highlights a variable trust in institutions. For instance, only about 36% of UK adults trust news from the media most of the time. This just goes to show how crucial clear communication and reliability are in any environment where information is scrutinised—a principle that applies directly to our personal relationships. You can find more insights about the importance of trust in media on Statista.com.

Your Questions on Building Trust, Answered

As we've worked through the nuts and bolts of trust—from communication right through to empathy—it's only natural for some very specific, and often tricky, questions to pop up. In my own therapy practice, I hear a lot of the same worries from couples trying to find their way back to each other. So, this final section is all about tackling some of those most common questions I get asked.

Think of this as a practical guide to help you with the real-world messiness you might be facing. It’s a way to firm up the ideas we’ve already talked about and give you that bit more clarity to move forward.

How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust After a Betrayal?

This is nearly always the first question I hear, and the most honest answer is this: there's no magic number. Rebuilding trust isn't a race with a finish line; it’s a unique journey for every couple and it simply can’t be rushed. The time it takes really hinges on the betrayal itself, how genuine and consistent the person who broke the trust is, and whether the hurt partner feels safe enough to be vulnerable again.

This process could take months, or it might even take years. Instead of fixating on some imaginary deadline, the real goal is to see steady, tangible progress. Healing doesn’t arrive in one big cinematic moment. It’s built in thousands of tiny, positive interactions that slowly start to outweigh the pain of what happened. Patience and consistency are your most powerful allies here.

My Partner Says I Should Just Get Over It. What Do I Do?

This is a massive red flag and one of the most common ways healing gets derailed. Trust has to be earned back through patient, repeated, and reliable actions—it can never, ever be demanded. When a partner dismisses your pain with a line like "just get over it," they're essentially refusing to take responsibility for the hurt they've caused. That stance makes rebuilding trust feel almost impossible.

Trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets. A partner who demands it back is trying to skip the slow, necessary work of refilling the bucket drop by drop.

It’s vital to calmly but firmly explain that your feelings are a direct and valid result of their actions. Earning back your trust is going to require their empathy, their patience, and a whole lot of sustained effort. Suggesting couples counselling can be a really helpful step here, as a neutral third party can help create a space where you can both have a healthier, more productive conversation.

Can I Ever Truly Trust Someone Who Lies About Small Things?

Yes, you can, but it’s not a given. It absolutely requires getting to the root of why it's happening. A pattern of seemingly small lies can be just as damaging to a relationship's foundation as one big betrayal. It chips away at your sense of reality and leaves you in a constant state of doubt, questioning everything.

To move forward, the person telling the lies has to figure out why they do it. Is it about avoiding conflict? Managing how people see them? Or is it just a deeply ingrained habit? From there, they have to make a conscious, unwavering commitment to total honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable. For you, it means setting a clear boundary: you need to see lasting, consistent change to feel secure in the relationship again.

Is It Normal to Check My Partner's Phone After They’ve Broken My Trust?

The impulse to check your partner's phone is completely understandable. When you feel unsafe, you naturally look for reassurance. But while it's a common reaction, it’s not a healthy or sustainable way to rebuild trust in the long run. Real trust is about feeling secure without needing to constantly verify things. Snooping can easily trap you both in a cycle of policing and suspicion, which keeps the relationship stuck.

A much more productive route is to have an open conversation about transparency. For a while, the partner who broke the trust should be willing to be an "open book," offering access to their phone or accounts voluntarily. This small but crucial shift changes the whole dynamic. It moves you away from policing and towards reassurance—a much healthier path to rebuilding genuine, lasting trust.

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At Therapy-with-Ben, I provide a supportive and non-judgemental space to explore these challenges. If you're struggling to rebuild trust and need guidance on your journey, I invite you to learn more about my counselling services. Whether through face-to-face sessions in Cheltenham, online, or through walk and talk therapy, we can work together to build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Visit https://www.therapy-with-ben.co.uk to get started.