Soft Conversation Starters vs Harsh Conversation Starters.

When it comes to resolving disagreements, how a conversation begins often determines how it will end, according to John and Julie Gottman in their book,Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection (2024). In their book they explore the most effective way to start a conversation in order to get the best outcome for the relationship.

A Happy Couple

Soft Conversation Starters V Harsh Conversation Starters

When you need to raise an issue with your partner, start softly, not harshly. A harsh start feels like an attack and will lead to your partner defending themselves in their response.

Harsh Conversation Starters

The conversation begins with criticism

The partner describes the other person instead of themselves

They add other things that they feel resentful about to the conversation

Soft Conversation Starters

I feel (emotion) about (the situation/problem) and I need (your positive need)

1. Emotion: Describe yourself and your feelings

2. Situation/problem: Describe the problem without criticising or blaming your partner. Talk about the situation not your partner.

3. Your positive need. State your positive need –

4. Keep the tone gentle and avoid words like always and never as they make people defensive.

Examples of harsh and soft conversation starters

Criticism (harsh): Why do you have to be so lazy? Can’t you clean up after yourself just one time?

Complaint (soft): There is a load of dirty clothes on the floor. Would you mind picking them up before you go to bed?

Describing your partner (harsh): You always leave your clothes all over the floor.

Why can’t you just put your clothes in the wash basket? It will take you just a couple of seconds.

Describing yourself (soft): I find it stressful when the bedroom is messy. Could you try and remember to put your dirty clothes in the clothes basket? Thanks.

Adding things (harsh): I see there are clothes all over the floor again. It looks a complete mess. The car is filthy, and you didn’t clean the bathroom like you said you would last weekend. You forgot that we were going out tonight. I don’t think you ever think about me at all.

Mention only one thing (soft): I find it stressful when the bedroom is messy. Could you try and remember to put your dirty clothes in the clothes basket? Thanks.

Please contact me, if you would like a counselling session or two to get your relationship back on track, or for more sessions, if you are experiencing deeper challenges.

A guest post from Juliette

Juliette Moxham

Relationship Counsellor

Cheltenham GL53

07958541636

http://www.juliettemoxhamcompassionatecounselling.co.uk/