What Is Emotional Intelligence: what is emotional intelligence and its impact

Author: Therapy-with-Ben

So, what exactly is emotional intelligence?

At its simplest, it’s the ability to recognise, understand, and manage your own emotions. But it doesn't stop there. It’s also about perceiving, understanding, and influencing the emotions of others. Think of it less as an abstract concept and more as a practical skill that shapes how you navigate relationships, handle stress, and make decisions. It’s absolutely vital for both your personal wellbeing and your professional life.

What Is Emotional Intelligence Really?

Imagine trying to steer a ship through a raging storm without a compass or a rudder. That’s what life can feel like without a decent level of emotional intelligence (EI). It’s your internal guidance system, helping you navigate the choppy, unpredictable waters of human interaction and life's challenges.

At its core, EI isn’t about being ‘emotional’ – it’s about being smart with your emotions. It gives you a set of practical abilities, a kind of ‘emotional toolkit’, that helps you build resilience, communicate more effectively, and keep your composure when the pressure’s on.

More Than Just a Buzzword

The term might sound like something out of a corporate training manual, but the skills it describes are fundamental to our daily lives. You’re using your emotional intelligence when you’re handling a tricky conversation with a partner, managing a demanding project at work, or even just trying to stay calm in a traffic jam.

Unlike your IQ, which is relatively stable, emotional intelligence is a flexible set of skills that can be acquired and improved with practice. It's a journey of continuous development, not a fixed destination.

This is brilliant news, because it means anyone can learn to become more emotionally intelligent. It’s not some fixed trait you’re born with, but a capability you can actively cultivate over time. And that journey always starts with the most critical component of all: self-awareness.

The Foundation of Emotional Awareness

Everything in emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. This is your ability to tune in and recognise your own emotions, and to understand how they’re affecting your thoughts and behaviour. Without this foundational skill, it’s almost impossible to manage your feelings effectively, let alone understand what’s going on for other people.

• Recognising your feelings: Can you put a name to what you're feeling right now? Is it frustration, excitement, anxiety, or something else entirely?

• Understanding your triggers: Do you know what situations, people, or even stray comments are likely to set off a strong emotional response in you?

• Knowing your impact: Are you conscious of how your mood and actions might be affecting the people around you?

Developing this internal compass is the first and most crucial step toward mastering your emotional world. If you’d like to explore this more, you can read about the role of self-awareness in counselling and how it can unlock deeper personal growth. By building this skill, you lay the groundwork needed to develop all the other aspects of emotional intelligence, paving the way for stronger relationships and greater mental wellbeing.

The Five Pillars of Emotional Intelligence

To really get a handle on emotional intelligence, it helps to see how it’s built. The framework that most people recognise, made popular by psychologist Daniel Goleman, breaks it down into five core areas. You can think of these as distinct but interconnected skills that, when you work on them together, form a solid foundation for navigating both your inner world and your relationships with others.

Understanding these five pillars gives you a kind of roadmap for your own growth. They highlight the specific areas to focus on if you want to become more resilient, empathetic, and better equipped to handle whatever life throws your way. Let's dig into each one and see what they look like in the real world.

The First Pillar: Self-Awareness

Everything starts here. Self-awareness is your ability to tune in and understand your own moods, emotions, and what drives you – and, crucially, how all of that affects other people. It’s your internal compass, pointing you towards your true emotional north.

Without it, we tend to go through life on autopilot, reacting to things without really knowing why we feel or act a certain way.

Developing self-awareness means you can put a name to your feelings. Someone with strong self-awareness doesn't just feel "off"; they can identify that they’re feeling deflated because of a specific expectation that wasn’t met, or anxious because a deadline is looming. This clarity is the first, vital step towards taking back control.

This pillar is all about honest self-assessment. It’s about knowing your strengths and your weak spots, and operating from a place of quiet self-confidence, rather than arrogance or crippling self-doubt. It’s the difference between lashing out in anger and being able to say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, I need a moment."

The Second Pillar: Self-Regulation

Once you’re aware of your emotions, the next piece of the puzzle is managing them. Self-regulation is the ability to control or redirect those disruptive impulses and moods that we all have. It's about taking that crucial pause before you act, thinking before you speak, and keeping your head when things get heated.

Think of it as the rudder on a ship. It's what allows you to steer through an emotional storm instead of being thrown off course by it.

Someone who’s good at self-regulation can handle uncertainty and change with a bit more grace. They don't let feelings of frustration or anxiety call all the shots. Instead, they find healthier ways to process these emotions without causing harm to themselves or the people around them.

A key sign of self-regulation is the ability to stay composed under pressure. It's that moment when you take a deep breath during a tense meeting or a difficult conversation, giving your thinking brain a chance to catch up with your initial emotional flash.

This skill is absolutely essential for building trust. People who can manage their own emotional weather are seen as stable and dependable, which is the bedrock of any strong personal or professional relationship.

The Third Pillar: Motivation

Beyond just managing your feelings, what actually gets you out of bed in the morning? In the world of emotional intelligence, motivation is a passion for your goals that goes deeper than just money or status. It's the wind in your sails, pushing you forward with optimism and grit, especially when the waters get choppy.

This kind of motivation is intrinsic – it comes from within. It’s a deep-seated desire to chase your goals for your own personal reasons, whether that’s a love of learning, a sense of purpose, or the simple satisfaction of seeing a project through.

This inner drive is what fuels resilience. When a plan falls through or you hit a setback, an intrinsically motivated person is far more likely to see it as a learning curve rather than a personal failure. Their 'why' is strong enough to weather the storm.

The Fourth Pillar: Empathy

While the first three pillars are about looking inward, the next two turn your attention outwards. Empathy is the ability to understand how other people are feeling. It’s like having an emotional radar, allowing you to tune into their experience and see things from their perspective.

It's important to remember that empathy isn't about agreeing with someone or feeling sorry for them (that’s sympathy). It's about truly getting their point of view on an emotional level. This means you can pick up on the non-verbal stuff – a slight change in tone, a flicker of disappointment in their eyes – and respond in a way that shows you understand.

This skill is the glue for deep, meaningful connections. Empathetic people are often brilliant at:

• Listening properly: They hear the words, but they also hear the feelings behind them.

• Understanding others: They can step into someone else’s shoes, which is a game-changer for resolving conflict and working together.

• Nurturing potential: In leadership roles, they’re great at spotting and developing the strengths in others.

The Fifth Pillar: Social Skills

Finally, social skills are where all the other pillars come together in action. This is about being proficient at managing relationships and building networks. It’s the practical application of your emotional intelligence – using your self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, and empathy to connect with others effectively.

This isn’t just about being a chatterbox or an extrovert. It’s about clear communication, managing disagreements constructively, and being able to inspire or guide others. It's about knowing how to find common ground and build genuine rapport.

Someone with strong social skills makes interacting with others look easy. They can persuade and lead because they've built a foundation of trust and understanding first. They know how to be a team player, and they know when to step up, making them invaluable in almost any situation.

---

To help pull this all together, here’s a quick summary of the five components and what they look like day-to-day.

The Five Components of Emotional Intelligence at a Glance

Component	What It Means	Everyday Example
Self-Awareness	Knowing your own emotions, strengths, and weaknesses.	Realising you feel irritable because you're hungry, not because your colleague is actually being annoying.
Self-Regulation	Controlling your impulses and thinking before you act.	Taking a deep breath and walking away from a heated argument instead of saying something you'll regret.
Motivation	Being driven by internal goals and a sense of purpose.	Studying for an exam because you genuinely want to learn the material, not just to get a good grade.
Empathy	Understanding and sharing the feelings of others.	Noticing a friend is quiet and asking, "You seem a bit down today, is everything okay?"
Social Skills	Managing relationships to move people in the desired direction.	Clearly explaining your point of view in a team meeting while also actively listening to and acknowledging others' ideas.

By seeing these five areas as skills to be developed, emotional intelligence becomes something we can all actively work on to improve our lives and relationships.

The Link Between Emotional Intelligence and Mental Wellbeing

So, why does emotional intelligence really matter for your mental health? Think of it as one of the best defences we have against the curveballs life throws our way. High emotional intelligence is like having a psychological immune system; it helps you handle stress, find your way through anxiety, and build up a solid resilience to things like depression.

This isn't just a nice theory, either. It’s a practical reality. When you start to develop your emotional intelligence, you’re not just learning a few new tricks—you're genuinely changing the relationship you have with your own mind and emotions. It’s a proactive and fundamental step towards a more stable, lasting sense of wellbeing.

How EI Protects Your Mental Health

Imagine self-awareness as your personal early warning system. It's what allows you to spot your emotional triggers long before they can build into something overwhelming. Instead of being blindsided by a sudden wave of anxiety or a flash of anger, you learn to pick up on the quiet signals that your emotional state is starting to shift, giving you a precious window of opportunity to do something about it.

That’s where self-regulation steps in. It gives you the tools to calm your nervous system when those triggers do pop up. Rather than feeling like you're at the mercy of your feelings or reacting on impulse, you can consciously choose a response that’s calmer and more considered.

This combination is what it’s all about. It creates a vital bit of space between a feeling and your reaction to it, and it's in that gap where real emotional freedom is found. This idea is closely linked to resilience, and you might find it interesting to read about the role of mental toughness in overall wellbeing to explore this further.

Developing emotional intelligence isn't about shutting your feelings down. It's about understanding them, listening to what they're telling you, and managing them in a way that serves your long-term health and happiness.

The Consequences of Low Emotional Intelligence

On the flip side, you can draw a fairly straight line from low EI to many common mental health struggles. When we don't have the skills to understand and manage what's going on inside us, we're left much more vulnerable to the pressures of day-to-day life.

Some of the common struggles linked to underdeveloped EI include:

• Chronic Stress and Burnout: Without self-regulation, small daily stressors just keep piling up. This can lead to a constant state of high alert that eventually just drains your physical and mental batteries.

• Relationship Conflict: A lack of empathy makes it incredibly difficult to see things from other people's point of view. This often results in frequent misunderstandings, arguments, and a creeping sense of isolation.

• Persistent Low Mood: When you can't properly process difficult emotions like sadness or disappointment, they tend to hang around, contributing to a constant low mood or even tipping over into depression.

• Heightened Anxiety: If you lack self-awareness, you might not have a clue what’s triggering your anxiety. This can make the world feel unpredictable and threatening.

This is especially relevant here in the UK, where stress levels are worryingly high. Research has shown that a staggering one in five (20%) of UK adults feel stressed more often than not in any given month. The knock-on effect is huge, with stress-related illnesses costing UK employers a massive £5 billion last year alone. Building emotional intelligence is a key way to arm yourself against this kind of pressure.

Building a Stronger Foundation with Therapy

Strengthening your emotional intelligence is one of the most powerful things you can do for your mental health. Skills like empathy don't just help others; they enrich our own lives by creating deeper connections and pushing back against loneliness. We've written more about empathy in counselling and how it acts as an unseen healing force in a related article.

Therapy provides a dedicated, supportive space to build these exact skills. Here in Cheltenham, working with a therapist can help you get to know your unique emotional patterns and start practising new, healthier ways of responding. It's about turning the abstract ideas of EI into real, tangible habits that will support your mental wellbeing for years to come.

Recognising High and Low Emotional Intelligence in Action

Emotional intelligence isn’t just some abstract concept from a textbook; it’s a living, breathing skill that shows up in our day-to-day conversations, decisions, and gut reactions. It's often the invisible thread that determines whether an interaction builds a connection or creates distance.

Once you start to see it in action, the whole idea of what is emotional intelligence becomes much clearer. To make it tangible, let's contrast how high and low EI play out in a few common, and often tricky, situations. This really highlights why it matters so much in shaping our relationships and our own inner sense of calm.

In the Face of Criticism

Ah, feedback. It’s a classic test of our emotional intelligence, isn't it? That moment can so easily flick our defensive switch, but how we handle it says a lot about our self-awareness and ability to manage our immediate impulses.

Someone with low emotional intelligence might react instantly with defensiveness. They may interrupt, jump to make excuses, or even turn the tables and blame the person giving the feedback. Their main goal, consciously or not, is to protect their ego, which slams the door on any real chance for growth.

On the other hand, a person with high emotional intelligence approaches the same situation with a sense of curiosity. They'll listen properly, maybe ask a few questions to make sure they understand, and thank the other person for their honesty. They have the ability to separate the feedback from their own self-worth, viewing it as valuable information rather than a personal attack.

During a Disagreement

Conflict is just a part of life and relationships. The aim isn’t to avoid disagreements entirely—that’s impossible—but to navigate them in a way that’s constructive rather than destructive. Emotional intelligence is the key that unlocks that skill.

• Low EI Response: The conversation escalates, and fast. Voices get raised, maybe personal insults start flying, or one person just shuts down completely. They become fixated on 'winning' the argument instead of finding a resolution, leaving everyone feeling hurt and misunderstood.

• High EI Response: The person stays calm and keeps the focus on the issue at hand, not on attacking the other person. They use "I" statements to express how they feel (like, "I feel frustrated when...") and make a real effort to listen to the other's perspective. The goal is mutual understanding and finding some common ground.

Supporting a Friend in Distress

When someone we care about is having a tough time, our response can be a huge source of comfort or, accidentally, another source of stress. Empathy, a real cornerstone of emotional intelligence, is what makes all the difference here.

A low EI reaction often looks like trying to 'fix' the problem straight away, offering a tonne of unsolicited advice, or turning the conversation back to their own experiences ("Oh, that reminds me of a time..."). While it usually comes from a good place, it can leave the person in distress feeling completely unheard.

A high EI response, however, is all about listening and validation. It’s about offering your presence, asking open-ended questions like, "How are you feeling about all this?", and simply acknowledging their pain ("That sounds incredibly difficult"). You create a safe space for your friend to share without feeling judged.

"It’s not about how you would feel in their situation, but rather, how they actually feel."

This is such a crucial distinction. True empathy is about understanding their unique experience, not just projecting our own feelings onto them.

To get a clearer picture of how these different reactions play out, have a look at this table. It contrasts the typical responses you'd see from someone with low EI versus high EI in everyday scenarios.

Signs of High vs. Low Emotional Intelligence

Situation	Low EI Response	High EI Response
Receiving a promotion	Might boast or become arrogant, possibly dismissing the contributions of others.	Expresses gratitude, acknowledges the team's effort, and shows humility.
Facing a team failure	Blames others, deflects responsibility, and focuses on whose fault it was.	Takes accountability, focuses on learning from the mistake, and rallies the team.
In a tense meeting	Becomes visibly agitated, interrupts others, or withdraws into passive aggression.	Stays calm, listens actively to all viewpoints, and helps de-escalate the tension.
Hearing a colleague's personal struggle	Offers quick, generic advice ("Just cheer up!") or changes the subject.	Listens without judgement, validates their feelings ("That sounds really tough"), and offers support.
Getting unexpected bad news	Reacts with an immediate outburst of anger or despair, getting stuck in the emotion.	Allows themselves to feel the emotion, but then shifts focus to problem-solving and next steps.

Seeing it laid out like this really drives home how these skills aren't just "nice-to-haves". They fundamentally change the outcomes of our interactions for the better.

The infographic below summarises how building these skills directly leads to better mental wellbeing by reducing stress, managing anxiety, and increasing our resilience.

This really shows that the benefits of high EI aren't just social; they're deeply tied to our own internal world and our ability to handle what life throws at us. By learning to manage our emotions more effectively, we build a much stronger foundation for our overall mental health.

Practical Strategies to Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

The most empowering truth about emotional intelligence is that it isn’t some fixed trait you’re born with. Not at all. It's a collection of skills that, just like any muscle, you can strengthen with a bit of consistent practice. Think of this section as your action plan, full of practical strategies you can start using today to build your EI, one pillar at a time.

Let's move beyond the theory. These exercises offer a real, concrete starting point for developing greater self-awareness, mastering how you react to things, and deepening your connections with the people who matter. The journey to a higher EQ begins with small, intentional actions.

Start with Self-Awareness: The Foundation

Everything in emotional intelligence is built on one thing: recognising your own feelings as they happen. If you can’t see what’s going on inside, trying to manage it is a non-starter. A simple but incredibly powerful technique to begin with is the daily emotional check-in.

A few times a day, just pause. Ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" Try to get more specific than "bad" or "fine." Are you frustrated? Hopeful? A bit anxious? Content? Just naming the emotion without judging it is the first step to understanding it.

This simple practice creates a vital bit of breathing room between an emotional trigger and your reaction, laying the groundwork for more thoughtful responses. A huge part of this is also about improving how you see yourself; for example, learning strategies for overcoming imposter syndrome can be a massive step in building that inner strength.

Master the Art of the Strategic Pause

Once you can spot your emotions, the next step is managing them. This is what we call self-regulation—your ability to handle your impulses and reactions, especially when you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed. The most effective tool for this? The strategic pause.

It's that moment you consciously take a deep breath before firing back a reply to a provocative email or a difficult comment. This simple act interrupts the brain's automatic fight-or-flight response, giving your more rational, thinking mind a chance to catch up.

The goal isn't to squash your emotions, but to respond to them with intention rather than reacting on autopilot. That pause is where you reclaim your power of choice.

Learning how to manage these internal states is fundamental to your wellbeing. For a deeper dive into this specific skill, our guide on what emotional regulation is and how to master it offers even more techniques and insights.

Cultivate Deeper Empathy and Social Skills

Building stronger connections requires us to tune into the emotional worlds of others. Empathy and social skills aren’t about being a mind reader; they're about listening and communicating with genuine curiosity and respect.

A great way to practise this is through active listening. The next time you're in a conversation, really try to focus completely on what the other person is saying—not just with their words, but their body language too.

• Resist the urge to interrupt or start planning what you're going to say next.

• Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand their perspective, like "So, it sounds like you felt..."

• Briefly summarise their points back to them before you share your own view.

This shows you're truly hearing them, which is the absolute foundation of trust and rapport.

How Therapy Accelerates Your Growth

While these personal exercises are invaluable, working with a professional can really speed up your progress. Therapy provides a safe, guided space to explore your emotional patterns and practise new, healthier responses without any fear of judgement.

As an experienced therapist here in Cheltenham, I offer tailored support to help you build these vital skills in a structured way. In our sessions, we can identify your specific emotional triggers, unpack long-standing reactive habits, and develop practical strategies that actually work for your unique life.

Whether that's in a traditional setting or through walk-and-talk therapy out in the Cotswolds, professional guidance is a powerful tool for anyone serious about improving their emotional intelligence.

Your Questions About Emotional Intelligence Answered

As we delve into what makes us tick emotionally, it's only natural for questions to pop up. Let's tackle some of the most common ones I hear, so you can walk away feeling clear and confident about what emotional intelligence is and how it works.

Is Emotional Intelligence More Important Than IQ?

This is a classic question, and the honest answer is that it's not a competition. Neither one is 'more important'; they're simply different tools for different jobs, and both contribute to a well-rounded life. Your IQ (Intelligence Quotient) is a measure of your cognitive horsepower – things like logic, reasoning, and problem-solving. Your EQ (Emotional Quotient), on the other hand, is all about how well you understand and navigate the emotional world.

While a decent IQ is often the entry ticket for many professions, research keeps showing us that EI is what truly sets high-performers apart, especially in leadership roles. It's the secret sauce behind great collaboration, motivation, and the resilience to bounce back from setbacks. The most successful people I've encountered tend to have a healthy balance of both.

Can You Really Increase Your Emotional Intelligence?

Absolutely. This is probably the most hopeful thing about emotional intelligence – it’s not set in stone. Unlike IQ, which tends to stay relatively stable throughout our lives, emotional intelligence is a collection of skills. And like any skill, it can be learned, practised, and developed at any age.

Think of it like building muscle at the gym. With consistent practice, you can genuinely strengthen your self-awareness, your ability to manage your reactions, your empathy for others, and your social skills. Things like mindfulness, journaling, being brave enough to ask for honest feedback, and working with a therapist are all brilliant ways to actively build your EI. It takes a bit of commitment, but real, noticeable improvement is possible for everyone.

"Emotional intelligence is critical in building and maintaining relationships and influencing others — key skills that help people throughout their career and wherever they sit in an organisational structure."

This really hits home that working on your EI isn't just a 'nice-to-have' for your personal life; it has a tangible, positive impact on your professional world, too. These are skills that serve you everywhere, from the boardroom to your own living room.

How Can Therapy Help Me Improve My Emotional Intelligence?

Therapy offers a unique space – it’s structured, completely confidential, and supportive – to really dig into and improve your emotional intelligence. A good therapist acts as a sort of guide, helping you spot the emotional triggers and blind spots that are often incredibly difficult to see on your own.

We can provide you with tools and ways of thinking that are tailored specifically to you. That might mean working on managing anxiety (that’s self-regulation), learning to see things from another's point of view (empathy), or finding better ways to communicate what you need (social skills).

Counselling sessions, like the ones I offer here in Cheltenham, are a safe place to practise these new skills without pressure. This builds the confidence you need to take them out into your daily life and create lasting, positive change.

What Is the First Step I Can Take to Improve My EI Today?

A simple but surprisingly powerful first step is to start a 'daily emotional check-in'. It’s a tiny habit that can make a huge difference over time.

A few times throughout your day, just hit pause for a moment. Ask yourself: ‘What am I actually feeling right now?’ Then, try to put a specific name to it without judging it as good or bad. Are you feeling frustrated? Content? A bit anxious? Hopeful?

Just noticing and naming your emotions is the foundation of self-awareness. It builds your emotional vocabulary and, crucially, it creates a tiny bit of space between a feeling and your immediate reaction to it. That small gap is the very cornerstone of emotional intelligence.

---

At Therapy-with-Ben, I'm dedicated to helping you build these essential skills for a healthier, more balanced life. If you are in the Cheltenham area and feel ready to start your journey toward greater emotional intelligence and wellbeing, please get in touch to see how counselling can support you.