7 signs of unhealthy relationships to watch for

Author: Therapy-with-Ben

Every relationship faces challenges, but how can you distinguish between normal growing pains and the genuine signs of unhealthy relationships? It’s a crucial distinction that can protect your emotional and physical well-being. Many people find themselves making excuses for a partner's behaviour, hoping things will improve, only to find the patterns becoming more entrenched over time. When a connection consistently leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or devalued, it's vital to examine the underlying dynamics. To truly understand the dangers, it's essential to recognise the unmistakable signs of a toxic relationship and how they differ from typical challenges.

This guide is designed to provide clarity. We will move beyond generic advice and explore ten specific warning signs, from subtle manipulation to more overt forms of control. Each point is explained with real-world examples to help you identify potentially harmful dynamics in your own life. Recognising these patterns is the first, most powerful step towards building healthier connections, whether that means repairing your current one with professional support or finding the strength to move on. This isn't about placing blame; it's about fostering self-awareness and empowering you to seek the safety and respect you deserve. Below, we break down the critical indicators that suggest a relationship may be causing more harm than good, helping you see the situation for what it truly is.

1. Controlling and Possessive Behaviour

One of the most significant and damaging signs of an unhealthy relationship is controlling and possessive behaviour. This occurs when one partner attempts to exert excessive influence over the other's life, chipping away at their autonomy and self-worth. It often begins subtly, disguised as intense care or concern, but gradually escalates into a pattern of domination that can feel suffocating and isolating.

This type of behaviour manifests in various ways, from dictating what you wear and who you see to monitoring your phone and social media accounts. A controlling partner may use jealousy as a justification for their actions, insisting they only act this way because they love you so much. However, genuine love is built on trust and respect, not ownership and surveillance.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising controlling behaviour is the first step toward addressing it. Here are some concrete examples:

• Financial Control: Your partner manages all household finances, giving you a strict 'allowance' and demanding to see receipts for every purchase you make.

• Social Isolation: They frequently criticise your friends and family, making it uncomfortable for you to spend time with them. They might insist on accompanying you to every social event or create drama that pushes your support system away.

• Digital Monitoring: They demand access to your phone, emails, and social media passwords, checking your messages and questioning your interactions with others.

• Constant Criticism: They belittle your choices, ambitions, and appearance, making you feel inadequate and dependent on their approval.

Actionable Steps to Take

If you recognise these patterns, it's crucial to take steps to protect your independence and well-being. Start by maintaining your own bank account and private connections with trusted friends. Document specific instances of controlling behaviour to help you see the pattern clearly. Voicing your concerns to a therapist or a trusted friend can provide perspective and support. At Therapy-with-Ben, we offer a safe space to explore these difficult dynamics and develop strategies for reclaiming your autonomy.

2. Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Unlike physical harm, verbal and emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, but it is one of the most insidious signs of unhealthy relationships. This type of abuse involves the consistent use of words, tone, and behaviour to demean, manipulate, and control a partner, systematically eroding their self-esteem and sense of reality. It can be deceptive because abusers often mask their words as "jokes" or accuse their partner of being "too sensitive," making the victim question their own perceptions.

Emotional abuse is a powerful tool for establishing dominance and creating dependency. Over time, the constant barrage of criticism, insults, and manipulation can cause severe anxiety, depression, and a profound sense of worthlessness. Recognising it is the first step towards breaking a cycle that thrives in silence and self-doubt. Genuine partnerships are built on mutual respect and encouragement, not on belittling and psychological warfare.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Identifying emotional abuse can be challenging, as it often happens behind closed doors and escalates gradually. Here are some concrete examples:

• Gaslighting: Your partner consistently denies events you clearly remember, telling you things like "you're imagining it" or "that never happened" to make you doubt your own sanity.

• Constant Criticism and Name-Calling: They frequently call you 'stupid', 'worthless', or other degrading names, especially during disagreements. They may also constantly criticise your appearance, intelligence, or abilities.

• Public Humiliation: They mock you, tell embarrassing stories about you, or belittle your opinions in front of friends, family, or colleagues.

• Giving the Silent Treatment: They intentionally ignore you for extended periods as a form of punishment, forcing you to feel anxious and desperate to regain their approval.

Actionable Steps to Take

If these behaviours feel familiar, it's vital to take steps to protect your mental well-being. Start by keeping a private journal to document abusive incidents, noting dates, times, and direct quotes. This can help you see the pattern more clearly and validate your experiences. Confide in a trusted friend or family member who can offer an outside perspective. At Therapy-with-Ben, we can help you rebuild the confidence that emotional abuse has taken away and develop strategies to navigate your situation safely.

3. Physical Violence or Threats of Violence

Among all the signs of unhealthy relationships, physical violence and threats of violence are the most overt and dangerous. This includes any form of physical aggression, from hitting and pushing to throwing objects or using weapons to intimidate. It is an unequivocal abuse of power and a direct assault on a person's safety and well-being. Physical violence is never acceptable under any circumstances and often escalates in frequency and severity over time.

An abusive partner may attempt to minimise or justify their actions, blaming their temper, stress, or even your behaviour. They might follow an act of violence with intense remorse and promises that it will never happen again. This cycle of violence and reconciliation can be incredibly confusing and trapping, but it's crucial to recognise that the aggression is the true pattern, not the apology. Any threat of harm is a severe red flag that should never be ignored.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Physical violence isn't always a constant state of aggression; it can be sudden and explosive. Recognising these behaviours is vital for your safety.

• Acts of Aggression: Your partner pushes, shoves, or grabs you during an argument. They may punch walls, throw dishes, or slam doors in anger to intimidate you.

• Direct Violence: This includes any hitting, slapping, choking, or restraining. Any unwanted physical contact intended to cause fear or pain is abuse.

• Threats and Intimidation: They threaten to hurt you, your children, or your pets if you try to leave. They might display weapons to control or frighten you.

• Coercion: They may physically block you from leaving a room, take your phone to prevent you from calling for help, or destroy your personal property.

Actionable Steps to Take

If you are experiencing physical violence, your immediate safety is the top priority. It is essential to seek help and create a plan.

• Seek Immediate Safety: If you are in immediate danger, call 999. Your life and safety come first.

• Create a Safety Plan: Contact a local domestic violence service to help you create a plan for leaving safely. This includes having a bag packed with essentials and identifying a safe place to go.

• Document Everything: Keep a record of incidents, including dates, what happened, and any injuries. Take photos of injuries and keep any threatening messages.

• Reach Out for Support: Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or professional. The National Domestic Violence Helpline is available 24/7 at 0808 2000 247.

At Therapy-with-Ben, we can help you process the trauma of an abusive relationship and find the strength to move forward. Reaching out is a courageous first step.

4. Lack of Respect and Boundaries

Respect for personal boundaries is the bedrock of any healthy partnership. When this foundation is missing, one partner's sense of self can be eroded, leading to resentment and emotional distress. This sign of an unhealthy relationship involves one partner consistently dismissing, ignoring, or outright violating the other's personal limits, privacy, and autonomy. It treats the relationship as a merger of identities rather than a partnership between two whole individuals.

This behaviour can range from seemingly small intrusions to significant violations. A partner might trivialise your feelings, read your private messages, or make important life decisions without consulting you. They may frame their actions as being for your own good or a sign of how close you are, but the underlying message is that your individual needs and privacy are unimportant. True respect honours your right to say 'no' and have a life outside of the relationship.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Disrespect and boundary violations often escalate over time. Here are some clear examples of what this looks like:

• Privacy Invasion: Reading your private diary, emails, or text messages without your permission under the guise of "making sure you're okay".

• Ignoring 'No': Repeatedly pressuring you for sex or physical intimacy after you have clearly declined, treating your refusal as a negotiation rather than a final answer.

• Disregarding Requests: Consistently contacting you at work after you’ve asked them not to, or sharing personal information about you with others against your wishes.

• Unilateral Decisions: Making major life choices, such as relocating for a job or deciding to have children, without a proper discussion or your agreement.

Actionable Steps to Take

If your boundaries are being ignored, it's vital to take action to protect your emotional and personal space. When a relationship lacks clear limits, it often leads to conflict and discomfort. Learning how to set healthy boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being. Start by explicitly stating your needs and the consequences of violating them. For example, "I need my phone to be private. If you look through it again, I will have to change my password." Notice how your partner responds; do they respect your 'no' or do they push back? Maintaining separate passwords and accounts is a practical step. If these violations persist, it signals a fundamental lack of respect that may require re-evaluating the relationship's viability. At Therapy-with-Ben, we can help you navigate these conversations and build the confidence to enforce your limits.

5. Manipulation and Gaslighting

Manipulation and gaslighting are insidious forms of psychological abuse that distort your sense of reality and erode your self-trust. Gaslighting, in particular, is a covert tactic where one partner deliberately causes the other to doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. This sign of an unhealthy relationship is especially damaging because it chips away at your confidence, making it difficult to recognise the abuse for what it is.

This behaviour often involves one partner consistently denying events, reframing discussions to blame the victim, or fabricating stories to create confusion. The goal is to gain power and control by making you feel unstable and wholly dependent on their version of events. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a profound sense of isolation, as you begin to believe you are the problem.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising these manipulative tactics is key to breaking their hold. Here are some common examples of gaslighting:

• Outright Denial: Your partner insists "that never happened" or "I never said that" when you bring up a specific event or conversation you remember clearly.

• Questioning Your Sanity: They use phrases like "you're being too sensitive," "you're overreacting," or "you sound crazy" to dismiss your valid emotional responses.

• Shifting Blame: When you express hurt over their actions, they twist the situation to make it your fault, saying things like, "If you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have had to do Y."

• Minimising Your Feelings: They tell you that your emotions are not valid or that you are making a big deal out of nothing, causing you to question your own feelings.

Actionable Steps to Take

If these scenarios feel familiar, it is vital to take steps to ground yourself in reality and protect your mental well-being. Start by keeping a private journal to document conversations and events as they happen. Sharing your experiences with a trusted friend or family member can provide an essential external perspective and validation. Trust your instincts; if something consistently feels wrong, it probably is. Understanding these patterns of behaviour is the first step to breaking free. Seeking professional support at Therapy-with-Ben can help you rebuild your self-trust and develop strategies to address these toxic dynamics.

6. Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness

While a small amount of jealousy can be a normal human emotion, extreme jealousy is one of the most glaring signs of an unhealthy relationship. This behaviour goes far beyond simple concern, transforming into an obsessive and suffocating force. It occurs when one partner views the other not as an individual, but as a possession to be guarded. This often stems from deep-seated insecurity and a need for control, rather than genuine love.

A partner exhibiting extreme jealousy will often invent threats where none exist, interpreting innocent interactions as betrayals. They may constantly question your loyalty and demand proof of your whereabouts, creating an environment of perpetual suspicion. This relentless scrutiny is designed to isolate you and make you dependent on them, eroding your confidence and your connections to the outside world. Ultimately, it’s a form of emotional control rooted in fear, not affection.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising when normal concern crosses the line into dangerous possessiveness is crucial. Here are some concrete examples:

• Unfounded Accusations: Your partner accuses you of flirting with a shop assistant or having an affair with a colleague, despite a complete lack of evidence.

• Constant Monitoring: They follow you to work or social gatherings to 'check up' on you, demanding constant updates on your location and company.

• Controlling Your Appearance: They insist you wear certain clothes to avoid 'attracting' attention from others or make critical comments about your appearance before you go out.

• Isolating You from Others: They express intense anger or suspicion when you talk to friends, family members, or even a therapist, viewing every external relationship as a threat.

Actionable Steps to Take

If your partner's jealousy feels overwhelming, it's vital to set firm boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Distinguish between love and obsession; genuine love is built on trust, not surveillance. Make a conscious effort to maintain your relationships with friends and family, refusing to let your partner's insecurities isolate you. A partner’s jealousy often reflects their own internal struggles, which can be linked to their past experiences. To understand more, you can learn about how attachment theory shapes our relationships. At Therapy-with-Ben, we provide a confidential space to explore these dynamics and build strategies for fostering healthier, more trusting connections.

7. Unreliability and Broken Promises

Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and it is built on a foundation of reliability and consistency. When a partner consistently fails to follow through on commitments, this foundation erodes, leaving behind a trail of disappointment and emotional instability. This pattern of unreliability is one of the more insidious signs of unhealthy relationships, as it forces the other partner into a constant state of managing expectations and feeling let down.

This behaviour isn't about occasional mistakes or forgetfulness; it's a chronic pattern of failing to honour one's word. A partner might offer heartfelt apologies and promise to change, but their actions repeatedly contradict their words. Over time, this creates a dynamic where you can no longer depend on them for support, big or small, leading to feelings of loneliness and insecurity within the partnership itself.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising a pattern of unreliability requires looking beyond words and focusing on consistent actions. Here are some concrete examples:

• Practical Letdowns: They promise to help with an important household project or attend a significant event, like a child’s school play, but repeatedly fail to show up or offer last-minute excuses.

• Emotional Inconsistency: They say "I love you" and "you're my priority," but their actions—such as consistently prioritising other activities or people—show otherwise, making their declarations feel hollow.

• Financial Instability: They make financial commitments, like agreeing to save for a shared goal or pay a specific bill, but consistently fail to follow through, creating stress and instability.

• Minor but Meaningful Promises: Even small broken promises, like forgetting to pick up milk on the way home after saying they would, add up and reinforce the message that you cannot count on them.

Actionable Steps to Take

If this pattern feels familiar, it’s vital to address the impact it's having on you and the relationship. Start by observing their behaviour without making excuses for it—actions truly do speak louder than words. Set clear boundaries and establish natural consequences for broken promises. For instance, if they fail to contribute to a shared bill, you might need to separate your finances to protect yourself. Ultimately, it's crucial to evaluate whether the relationship meets your fundamental need for security and trust. Exploring how to build trust in a relationship can provide valuable insights, whether for your current partnership or future ones. At Therapy-with-Ben, we can help you navigate these feelings of disappointment and develop strategies for building healthier, more reliable connections.

8. Substance Abuse or Addiction Issues

When one partner struggles with substance abuse or addiction, it introduces a powerful and destructive element into the relationship dynamic. This is a critical one of the signs of unhealthy relationships because the addiction often takes priority over everything else, including the partner’s needs, safety, and well-being. The substance use can lead to instability, unpredictability, and impaired judgement, creating a chaotic and often dangerous environment for the non-using partner.

This pattern makes the addicted individual emotionally unavailable and can frequently be linked to other abusive behaviours, whether emotional, financial, or physical. The non-addicted partner often finds themselves carrying an immense emotional burden, managing constant crises, and trying to hold the relationship together. This creates a dysfunctional cycle where their own needs are consistently ignored in favour of managing the addiction and its consequences.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising how addiction manifests within a relationship is key to understanding its impact. Here are some concrete examples:

• Prioritising the Substance: Your partner consistently chooses drugs or alcohol over their responsibilities, such as work, family commitments, or household chores.

• Behavioural Changes: They become verbally aggressive, manipulative, or even physically abusive when under the influence or during withdrawal.

• Legal and Financial Problems: They face recurring issues like DUIs, job loss, or mounting debt directly related to their substance use, and you are left to deal with the fallout.

• Broken Promises: They repeatedly promise to cut down or quit but are unable to follow through, leaving you feeling helpless and betrayed.

Actionable Steps to Take

If your partner’s addiction is damaging your relationship, it is vital to prioritise your own safety and mental health. Understand that you cannot fix or control their addiction for them. Avoid enabling the behaviour by making excuses or covering for their mistakes. Set firm boundaries regarding their substance use and its impact on your life. Support groups like Al-Anon can offer invaluable support for families of alcoholics. At Therapy-with-Ben, we can help you navigate these complex challenges and develop strategies to protect your well-being, whether your partner seeks help or not.

9. Love Bombing Followed by Devaluation

One of the most confusing and emotionally damaging signs of an unhealthy relationship is the cycle of love bombing followed by devaluation. This manipulative pattern begins with an intense, overwhelming display of affection and attention, making you feel as if you have found your soulmate. This "love bombing" phase is then abruptly replaced by a period of criticism, emotional withdrawal, and mistreatment, which is known as devaluation. This emotional whiplash leaves you disorientated and desperate to regain the initial affection.

This tactic creates a powerful psychological hook. The initial idealisation makes you feel uniquely seen and adored, but the subsequent devaluation makes you question your own worth and reality. You become conditioned to crave the 'good' version of your partner, often blaming yourself for their withdrawal. This is a deliberate form of psychological manipulation, often seen in narcissistic dynamics, designed to create dependency and control.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising this destructive cycle is crucial for breaking free from its hold. Here are some concrete examples of this pattern:

• Intense Beginnings: Your partner showers you with constant texts, gifts, and declarations of love very early in the relationship, perhaps even talking about marriage within weeks.

• Sudden Withdrawal: After a period of intense closeness, they become distant, critical, or give you the silent treatment for days, often over a minor issue.

• Praise and Belittling: They praise you excessively in public or at the start, only to later belittle your career, intelligence, or appearance in private, chipping away at your self-esteem.

• Intermittent Reinforcement: The cycle of affection and withdrawal is unpredictable. Just when you are ready to leave, they will "love bomb" you again, keeping you hopeful and trapped in the relationship.

Actionable Steps to Take

If this pattern feels familiar, it is vital to ground yourself in reality and prioritise your emotional safety. Be cautious of relationships that feel "too good to be true" at the very beginning. Trust the overall pattern of behaviour more than isolated acts of kindness or grand romantic gestures. Documenting the highs and lows can help you see the cycle clearly, resisting the urge to 'win back' their affection during devaluation phases. At Therapy-with-Ben, we can help you understand these complex dynamics and build the strength to prioritise your well-being.

10. Unwillingness to Take Responsibility or Apologise Genuinely

A core component of any healthy partnership is the ability to acknowledge mistakes and repair the damage. When one partner consistently refuses to take responsibility for their actions or offer genuine apologies, it becomes a significant sign of an unhealthy relationship. This behaviour prevents healing and growth, breeding resentment and invalidating the other person's feelings. It demonstrates a profound lack of respect and empathy, suggesting that their ego is more important than the well-being of the relationship.

This pattern goes beyond simple defensiveness. It involves a systematic deflection of blame, where the partner at fault twists the narrative to either excuse their behaviour, blame someone else, or even portray themselves as the victim. A non-apology, such as "I'm sorry you feel that way," is not an admission of wrongdoing; it's a way to shut down the conversation without offering real accountability. True accountability is essential for rebuilding trust after a conflict.

What It Looks Like in Practice

Recognising the difference between a genuine apology and a tactic to end an argument is vital. Here are some concrete examples of an unwillingness to take responsibility:

• Dismissive Apologies: After a hurtful comment, they say, "I've said I'm sorry, why do you keep bringing it up?" using the 'apology' to silence you rather than express genuine remorse.

• Blame-Shifting: They justify their poor behaviour by blaming you for it. For example, "I wouldn't have shouted if you hadn't provoked me."

• Refusing Accountability: They flat-out deny that their words or actions were hurtful, even when you explain the impact they had on you.

• Non-Apologies: They use phrases like, "I'm sorry you're upset," which places the focus on your reaction rather than their action, avoiding any admission of fault.

Actionable Steps to Take

If your partner consistently avoids accountability, it's crucial to protect your emotional health. Start by calmly and clearly communicating the impact of their behaviour, using "I" statements like, "I felt hurt when you said..." Notice if their behaviour changes after an apology; if the same actions are repeated, the apology was likely not sincere. You cannot force someone to take responsibility, and without it, the relationship cannot truly improve. Therapy-with-Ben can provide a supportive environment to explore these dynamics and decide whether a relationship without accountability is one you are willing to accept.

10 Unhealthy Relationship Signs Comparison

Your Path Forward: Taking the Next Step Towards a Healthier You

Navigating the complexities of relationships can be one of life’s most challenging experiences. Throughout this guide, we have explored ten critical signs of unhealthy relationships, from the subtle erosion of trust caused by manipulation and gaslighting to the overt dangers of emotional and physical abuse. We have seen how patterns like controlling behaviour, a consistent lack of respect for boundaries, and extreme jealousy are not signs of passionate love but indicators of a damaging dynamic.

Recognising these behaviours in your own partnership is a profound and often unsettling realisation. It requires immense courage to confront the possibility that a relationship you have invested in is causing you harm. The purpose of this list is not to assign blame or to encourage rash decisions, but to provide clarity and validation. If the examples of constant criticism, broken promises, or love bombing followed by devaluation resonated with you, please know that your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting, and you are not alone.

Key Takeaways: From Recognition to Action

The first and most powerful step towards change is awareness. Acknowledging these patterns is not a sign of failure; it is a profound act of self-respect and the beginning of a journey towards a healthier future. The core message to take away is that a healthy relationship should be a source of support, growth, and safety, not a constant source of stress, fear, or self-doubt.

Here are the most important next steps to consider:

• Trust Your Instincts: Your feelings are your most reliable guide. If a situation feels wrong, confusing, or draining, it is worth examining more closely. Do not let anyone convince you that your perception is incorrect or that you are being "too sensitive."

• Prioritise Your Safety: If you are experiencing physical threats, violence, or any form of abuse that makes you fear for your safety, your immediate priority is to seek help. There are organisations and resources available to help you create a safety plan.

• Start with Small Boundaries: If you are in a situation that is not immediately dangerous but is emotionally draining, begin by setting small, manageable boundaries. This could be as simple as stating, "I will not discuss this when we are angry," or "I need some time to myself this evening."

• Build Your Support Network: Isolation is a common feature of unhealthy relationships. Make a conscious effort to reconnect with trusted friends, family, or colleagues. Having people outside the relationship to talk to can provide perspective and emotional support.

The Value of Seeking Professional Support

Understanding the signs of unhealthy relationships is one thing; knowing how to navigate them is another. This is where professional support can be transformative. A qualified counsellor or therapist offers a confidential, non-judgemental space to unpack your experiences. It is an environment where you can explore the complexities of your relationship without fear of reprisal and learn practical strategies to protect your well-being.

Working with a therapist can help you:

• Rebuild Self-Esteem: Unhealthy dynamics often chip away at your sense of self-worth. Therapy helps you rediscover your strengths and rebuild your confidence.

• Develop Coping Mechanisms: A counsellor can equip you with tools to manage anxiety, stress, and the emotional fallout from a difficult relationship.

• Plan Your Next Steps: Whether you decide to work on the relationship, set firmer boundaries, or leave, a therapist can support you in making the decision that is right for you and help you navigate the path forward safely.

Acknowledging that you need support is a sign of incredible strength. It is a declaration that you value your own happiness and are ready to take control of your future. Your journey towards a healthier, more fulfilling life starts with this single, courageous step.

If you are struggling to make sense of your relationship and recognise some of the signs discussed in this article, you do not have to figure it out alone. At Therapy with Ben, I provide a supportive and empathetic space in Cheltenham and online to help you navigate these challenges and find your path to a healthier you. Take the first step by visiting Therapy with Ben to learn more.