How to Be Yourself: A Guide to Authentic Living

Learning how to be yourself isn't about inventing a whole new person. It’s more of a rediscovery, a process of peeling back the layers of expectations, fears, and societal pressures to get back to who you’ve always been underneath it all. It’s about finding the courage to finally live in a way that feels true to your own thoughts, feelings, and values.

Why Is It So Hard to Just Be Yourself?

If you feel like you’re constantly wearing a mask, you’re not alone. It’s an exhausting but incredibly common modern struggle. Think back to when you were young; we're all bombarded with messages about who we should be from our families, our teachers, and our friends. These external pressures quickly teach us to adapt and fit in, all in the name of gaining approval and that vital sense of belonging.

This deep-seated human need for connection is a powerful force. For most of us, the fear of being judged or rejected can feel much more urgent and potent than the quiet, internal pull towards authenticity. We worry that if people saw the real us, they might not like what they find.

The Influence of Social Media

And then there's the digital world, which throws another complex layer into the mix. We’re constantly scrolling through curated, picture-perfect lives on social media, which creates an impossibly high, and entirely unrealistic, benchmark for our own. It’s far too easy to fall into the comparison trap, convinced that our messy, authentic lives just don't measure up.

Interestingly, though, for many people, these online spaces also provide a unique kind of freedom. A 2022 survey of UK Gen Z individuals found that 58% felt more comfortable in their own skin thanks to their online presence. This highlights a strange paradox: while social media can fuel that damaging comparison culture, it can also offer a vital space for self-expression, particularly when real-life interactions feel too daunting. The same study pointed out that 42% of participants felt a lack of confidence in real life, driven by a fear of judgement and societal pressure.

The constant performance of an 'ideal self' online and offline can create a significant gap between who we are and who we pretend to be. Closing this gap is the core work of learning how to be yourself.

Unspoken Family and Cultural Rules

Long before we ever logged onto a social media account, our earliest environments were already shaping us. Every family and culture has its own set of unspoken rules and expectations about what success looks like, how to handle emotions, and the 'right' way to behave.

As a result, we learn to suppress certain parts of ourselves—maybe it was our creativity, our sensitivity, or our unconventional ideas—all to maintain harmony and earn that all-important approval. Understanding how our early relationships shape our sense of self can be a crucial first step. Delving into your attachment style and its interaction with self-worth can offer some profound insights into these old patterns.

Ultimately, the struggle to be ourselves comes down to a fundamental conflict: our innate need for authenticity clashing with our learned need for acceptance. This isn't a personal failing; it's a deeply human experience. Recognising where these external pressures come from is the first step toward gently and compassionately taking them apart.

Finding Your Inner Compass

Authenticity isn't some mystical trait you're born with. It’s the result of some quiet, internal work—the work of self-discovery. Before you can figure out how to be yourself, you need a clear picture of who that 'self' actually is. This means getting practical and mapping out your core values, those deep-seated beliefs that steer your decisions and emotions.

Think of it less like a test and more like a gentle, curious exploration. It’s like trying to tune into a radio station that’s been drowned out by static. Your values are already there; the trick is learning how to listen for them again.

Uncovering Your Values Through Experience

The best place to start looking for your values is within your own life experiences. Your strongest emotional reactions, both the good and the bad, are powerful signposts. They point directly to what you hold dear.

A simple but surprisingly effective way to start this process is through structured reflection. For example, exploring practices like the power of daily journaling can be a brilliant way to gain clarity.

Try sitting with these prompts and answering them with total honesty. No judgement allowed.

• A Time of Peak Fulfilment: Pinpoint a moment when you felt truly proud and alive. What were you doing? Who was with you? What was it about that experience that made it so meaningful?

• A Moment of Frustration or Anger: Now, think of a time you were deeply frustrated, angry, or let down. What happened? What specific belief or principle of yours felt like it was being trampled on?

  
  

It's funny how often the things that anger us reveal our deepest values. For instance, if you felt a surge of fury when a friend was treated unfairly, that probably points to a strong personal value of justice or loyalty. If you felt a deep sense of satisfaction after finishing a tough project, that might highlight a value for competence or perseverance.

From Feelings to Principles

Once you’ve got a few of these powerful moments jotted down, the next job is to translate the feelings into actual value statements. Look for the common threads running through your reflections. This isn't about finding the 'perfect' words, but about finding the words that feel right to you.

This very approach is central to many therapeutic models. The whole idea is to build a stronger, more honest connection between your inner world and how you act in the outer world. It's a key concept, and you can get a better sense of it by understanding what person-centred therapy is.

Your values are not aspirations for some future version of yourself. They are truths that already exist within you. The real work is in uncovering and honouring them, not inventing them from scratch.

Let's say you notice you feel happiest when you're learning something new or visiting a new place. Your core values might include things like:

• Curiosity

• Growth

• Adventure

  
  

On the flip side, if your moments of frustration almost always involve broken promises or chaotic situations, your values could be:

• Reliability

• Integrity

• Structure

  
  

This list you create becomes your inner compass. It's a dependable guide you can turn to when you're at a crossroads, whether it's a small daily choice or a huge life decision. When a choice aligns with your values, it just feels right. And when it doesn’t, you get that familiar, nagging sense of unease. Learning to trust that internal signal is a huge part of learning how to be yourself.

Expressing Your True Self with Confidence

Figuring out your core values is a massive step forward. But the real work often begins when you try to bring that inner understanding out into the world. Expressing your authentic self can feel incredibly vulnerable, especially if you've spent years prioritising harmony over honesty.

This is where we pivot from self-discovery to self-expression. It’s about learning to be yourself in a way that feels both safe and genuine.

The aim isn't to become bluntly honest, with no regard for anyone else's feelings. It’s about developing thoughtful, authentic communication—sharing what’s true for you, while still respecting the person you're talking to. This is a skill, and like any skill, it gets stronger with practice.

As this image beautifully shows, releasing our true selves isn't an aggressive act. It’s a gentle, liberating process that often ends up inspiring others to do the same.

Practical Tools for Authentic Communication

One of the most powerful tools I teach clients for expressing themselves without sparking conflict is the use of "I" statements. It's a simple but profound shift in language that moves the focus away from blaming others and towards sharing your own experience. You're taking ownership of your feelings and communicating them with clarity.

Let's walk through a common scenario. Imagine a friend cancels plans on you at the last minute for the third time.

• A blaming statement: "You're so unreliable. You always do this to me."

• An "I" statement: "I feel really hurt and a bit disrespected when plans change last minute, because I was genuinely looking forward to seeing you."

  
  

Can you feel the difference? The first version attacks your friend's character and will almost certainly put them on the defensive. The second, however, simply communicates your emotional reality. It opens the door for a real conversation rather than slamming it shut with an accusation.

To help you spot the difference in your own life, here's a quick guide to how these conversations can play out.

Navigating Authentic vs Inauthentic Communication

This table shows some common situations where we might fall into people-pleasing patterns, and how we can respond with more self-respect.

Situation	Inauthentic Response (People-Pleasing)	Authentic Response (Self-Respecting)

Learning to communicate this way is a cornerstone of building genuine self-respect and healthier relationships.

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are." - Brené Brown

Setting Boundaries with Kindness

Another crucial part of showing up as your true self is setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries aren't about building walls to shut people out; they're the guidelines you create to protect your energy and honour your limits. In essence, they teach others how you need to be treated.

This can be as simple as saying "no" to a social event when you're feeling drained, or telling a family member you're not available to talk on the phone right now. It isn't selfish; it's a fundamental act of self-care.

Building the courage to set boundaries takes time. If you'd like more support in this area, you can explore some practical ways to build self-confidence with our proven strategies.

The link between expressing your true self and your mental health isn't just a nice theory—it's backed by solid evidence. A UK psychological study confirmed that authentic self-expression is strongly linked to positive well-being. Participants who agreed with statements like 'I share my true feelings with others' reported significantly greater psychological health, proving that being yourself openly is directly tied to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Finding the Courage to Stand Out

Let's be honest, one of the biggest things holding us back from being ourselves is a deep, primal fear of not fitting in. We're wired for connection, so the need for social approval runs deep. To get past this, we need to build a sense of self-worth that's so solid it doesn't rely on what other people think.

It’s a process, of course. It means shifting your focus from worrying about everyone else's opinion to trusting what you know is true for you. This takes guts, but it's the path to real connection and a kind of self-respect that no one can take away.

Seeing "Rejection" in a New Light

The fear of being judged can turn life into a performance. We end up silencing our opinions and hiding our quirks, all in the name of belonging. But what if we stopped seeing rejection as a personal failing and started seeing it as a helpful "realignment"?

When you're truly being yourself and someone doesn't get it, it’s not a verdict on your worth. More often than not, it just means you're not a good match. That realignment might sting a little at first, but it's a gift. It clears the way for people who actually align with your values and makes space for genuine connections to form.

Think of it this way: Authenticity isn't about pushing people away. It's about acting as a magnet for the right people—your true tribe, the ones who appreciate you for exactly who you are.

This change in perspective is a game-changer for building the resilience you need to stand out. It also taps into a broader cultural shift. An extensive analysis of British Social Attitudes found a huge drop in people thinking identity is tied to where you or your family were born. In fact, 86% of people now feel that respecting shared laws and values is what really defines being British. This points to a trend where we define ourselves by what we believe and do, not by rigid labels. You can dive deeper into these shifting views on British identity on NatCen's website.

Be Kind to Yourself and Celebrate the Small Wins

Building courage isn't about becoming fearless; it's about learning to act even when you feel the fear. The secret ingredient here is self-compassion. Instead of beating yourself up for feeling anxious about speaking up, try treating yourself with the kindness you’d give a good friend.

Start small. The key is to celebrate the tiny victories of authenticity every single day. These are the moments that build momentum.

• Voiced a different opinion? Maybe you respectfully shared a unique point of view in a meeting instead of just nodding along. That’s a huge win.

• Wore what you love? You picked an outfit that genuinely made you feel great, without a second thought for what others might say. Brilliant.

• Said "no" when you needed to? Honouring your own energy by declining an invitation is a powerful act of self-respect.

  
  

Each of these small acts sends a message to your brain: it’s safe to be you. Over time, these moments add up, creating a foundation of self-trust and confidence. This is how, step by step, you find the courage to stand out in bigger and more meaningful ways.

Living Authentically Every Single Day

Grand, sweeping gestures aren't how you build an authentic life. It's actually forged in the small, consistent choices you make every single day. The real journey of learning how to be yourself is less about some dramatic overhaul and more about weaving tiny threads of genuineness into the fabric of your life.

This approach makes authenticity feel natural and sustainable, rather than another mask you have to put on. The goal is to strip away the mystery of 'being yourself' and break it down into things you can actually do, right now. These small actions add up, slowly but surely building a life that feels like it’s genuinely yours.

Start With Small, Intentional Choices

Making choices that feel true to you doesn't require a major life upheaval. It can start with something as mundane as getting dressed in the morning.

Instead of grabbing an outfit based on trends or what you think others expect to see, pick something purely for how it makes you feel. Is it comfortable? Does it bring you a little spark of joy? That’s it. That's the only metric that matters.

You can apply this same principle to countless other decisions throughout your day. It’s all about consciously tuning back into your own preferences.

• Listen to music you genuinely love, not just what's popular on the radio.

• Order the meal you're actually craving, rather than what seems like the 'sensible' or 'cool' option.

• Spend just ten minutes on a hobby, without any pressure for it to be productive or perfect.

  
  

These tiny, intentional decisions are the bedrock of authentic living. As you start to string them together, you'll soon discover why small changes lead to big freedom and create a life that feels more aligned with who you are.

The One Honest Sentence Challenge

Here’s another simple but surprisingly powerful practice I often suggest: the ‘one honest sentence’ challenge. The next time you're in a conversation and feel that familiar pull to people-please or just give a generic, agreeable response, I want you to challenge yourself. Just try to say one thing that is completely, authentically true for you in that moment.

This isn't a licence to be blunt or start an argument. It's about gently inserting your real self into your interactions, one sentence at a time.

Let's say a friend is raving about a film they loved, but you really didn't. Instead of just nodding along, you could say, "That's interesting, I can see why you enjoyed it, but it didn't quite land with me for some reason." See? This small act of honesty honours your own experience without dismissing theirs.

Practising this helps you build a tolerance for the slight discomfort that can come with having a different perspective. It reinforces the idea, both to you and to others, that your viewpoint is valid and it's okay to share it. These small acts of courage are the true building blocks of a life lived with integrity.

Common Questions About Authentic Living

Deciding to live a more authentic life is a huge step. It’s exciting, for sure, but it can also feel a little wobbly at first. It’s only natural for questions, and maybe a few fears, to pop up as you start peeling back the layers. This is the part where we tackle those common worries head-on.

Think of this as your practical, no-nonsense guide for those moments of doubt. I want to give you the reassurance and confidence you need to keep going.

What If I Lose Friends When I Start Being My True Self?

This is, without a doubt, the number one fear I hear. And it’s completely understandable. The honest truth? Yes, some of your relationships might shift. When you stop playing a part and start showing up as you really are, it naturally changes the dynamic with people who were used to a different version of you.

But let’s try to look at it another way. Being authentic isn’t about pushing people away; it’s more like a magnet. It pulls the right people closer and gently nudges away the connections that weren't built on solid ground. Friendships that were based on a persona you had to maintain might fade, and that’s okay. It makes room for something far better. You'll start building connections with people who genuinely get you and appreciate you for who you are.

This isn't a loss; it's an upgrade. You’re trading a wide circle of acquaintances for a smaller, stronger circle of friends who truly support the real you.

How Can I Be Myself at Work Without Risking My Job?

This is a common sticking point. Being authentic at work doesn't mean airing all your personal business or throwing professionalism out the window. It’s much more nuanced. It's about finding small, consistent ways to let your core values guide your actions within the professional environment you're in.

What does that actually look like?

• Sharing your real opinion: Respectfully offering a different perspective in a meeting, even if you’re the only one.

• Leaning into your strengths: Seeking out projects that you genuinely find interesting and that play to what you’re good at.

• Guarding your time: Politely saying no to extra work when your plate is full, instead of automatically saying yes to please others.

• Communicating with integrity: Being honest and direct about your needs or limitations in a constructive way.

  
  

It’s not about oversharing or disrupting the workplace culture. It's about bringing your unique character and integrity to the role you were hired to do.

How Do I Know If It’s My True Self or Just My Ego Talking?

This is a brilliant question, and it really gets to the heart of self-awareness. Telling the difference between your authentic self and your ego takes practice, but there’s a simple litmus test: look at the motivation behind the action.

The ego is almost always driven by fear, comparison, and the need for approval from others. It asks questions like, "What will they think of me?" or "How can I make sure I look good here?" Its main job is to protect an image.

Your authentic self, on the other hand, comes from a place of inner conviction and your core values. An action driven by authenticity just feels right on a deep level, even if it’s also a bit scary. To figure it out, ask yourself this one question: “Am I doing this to prove something, or because it truly aligns with who I am?” Your gut will give you the answer.

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At Therapy with Ben, I offer a safe, supportive space to explore these questions and walk the path towards a more authentic life. If you're ready to dig deeper, I’d be happy to chat about how counselling can help. You can learn more at https://www.therapy-with-ben.co.uk.