How to Stop Self Sabotaging and Reclaim Your Life

Author: Therapy-with-Ben

First things first, let's get one thing straight: learning how to stop self-sabotaging isn't about willpower or brute force. It’s about realising it's often a deeply confused, even clumsy, attempt at self-protection, not a sign that you're somehow broken.

The real starting point is to get curious about the specific ways you get in your own way. Then, you can gently start to unpack the fears hiding underneath it all – things like a fear of failure, or even a fear of success. This shift in perspective, moving from self-blame to self-compassion, is everything. It’s the solid ground you need to start building healthier ways of coping.

Understanding Why We Self-Sabotage

Ever found yourself putting off a massive, career-defining project until you're right up against the deadline? Or maybe you've picked a fight with your partner just when things started to feel really good and secure. These aren’t just random acts of chaos; they're classic self-sabotage. It's a complicated pattern where our own actions stop us from getting the very things we say we want.

But here's the twist. Far from being a weakness, self-sabotage is often a survival instinct that's just gone a bit wrong. Think of it as a defence mechanism designed to shield you from potential hurt, disappointment, or the sheer terror of the unknown. It’s what keeps you in your comfort zone, even when that zone is actually pretty uncomfortable.

The Psychological Roots of Self-Sabotage

At its heart, self-sabotaging behaviour is fuelled by powerful beliefs and fears that often hum away quietly in the background, just out of conscious view. Getting to know them is the first step in untangling the knot.

Here are some of the usual suspects:

• Fear of Failure: This is the most obvious one. If you never really give something your all, you can’t ever properly fail, right? Procrastination is the perfect shield here. You can always blame a lack of time for a shoddy result, rather than face the possibility of a lack of ability.

• Fear of Success: This one’s a bit sneakier. Success brings with it new expectations, more responsibility, and puts you in the spotlight. That can feel incredibly overwhelming, triggering an unconscious urge to retreat to the familiar, less demanding starting line.

• Low Self-Esteem: If you have a persistent inner critic whispering "you're not good enough," you’ll probably find ways to prove it right. You might turn down opportunities or undermine your own achievements because, deep down, you don't feel you deserve them.

• A Need for Control: When life feels chaotic and unpredictable, orchestrating your own downfall can, strangely, feel like taking back control. If you're the one who causes the failure, it doesn't sting as much as if it had come out of the blue.

These behaviours are so often a direct response to things we've been through. In the UK, low self-esteem is a huge driver for self-sabotaging patterns like perfectionism, where setting impossibly high standards for yourself just leads to inevitable delays and reinforces that negative voice in your head.

Self-sabotage is not you being "lazy" or "unmotivated." It is a signal. It's your mind's misguided attempt to protect you from a perceived threat, based on old information and past hurts.

To give you a clearer picture, let's look at how these behaviours play out in real life and what they might be trying to tell you.

Common Self Sabotaging Behaviours and Their Hidden Meanings

The Behaviour	What It Looks Like	What It Might Really Mean
Procrastination	Putting off important tasks, waiting until the last minute, missing deadlines.	"If I don't try, I can't fail. It's safer to fail because of a lack of time than a lack of talent."
Perfectionism	Setting impossibly high standards, never feeling like your work is "good enough" to finish.	"If it's not perfect, people will see I'm a fraud. This protects me from criticism."
Picking Fights	Starting arguments with loved ones when things are going well, pushing people away.	"Intimacy is scary. If I push them away first, they can't abandon me later. I'm in control."
Negative Self-Talk	Constantly criticising yourself, focusing only on your flaws and mistakes.	"If I put myself down first, it won't hurt as much when others do. It confirms my belief that I'm not worthy."
Imposter Syndrome	Feeling like a fraud despite your accomplishments, waiting to be "found out."	"I don't deserve this success. If I admit how good I am, the expectations will be too high to handle."

Seeing your own patterns in a table like this can be a real lightbulb moment. It’s not about judging the behaviour, but about understanding the message it’s trying to send.

How Past Experiences Shape Our Present

Our earliest experiences, especially with our parents or caregivers, lay the groundwork for our core beliefs about ourselves and the world. If you grew up in a home where love felt conditional or failure was met with harsh criticism, you may well have developed some deep-seated insecurities.

The way our attachment styles and their interaction with self-worth form can have a massive influence on these patterns, shaping how we show up in relationships and pursue our goals as adults.

To really get to grips with this, it's worth exploring the importance of the mind-body connection in fostering self-awareness. This helps you notice how old anxieties show up in your body, often triggering that all-too-familiar impulse to self-sabotage.

The journey to stop self-sabotaging starts not with fighting yourself, but with curiosity and a bit of kindness. When you start seeing these actions as signals instead of flaws, you can finally begin to address what really needs your attention. This is where professional support, like the counselling I offer, can help you build a clear and lasting path forward.

Recognising the Signs of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage is rarely a big, dramatic event. More often, it’s a quiet pattern of small, almost invisible choices that consistently steer you away from what you actually want.

Because these actions often hum along just beneath the surface of our awareness, learning to spot them is the first real step towards making a change. It's about connecting the dots between behaviours that might seem random and seeing them for what they are: a protective pattern.

This pattern can weave its way through every part of your life, from your career to your closest relationships. The trick is to shift your internal question from, "Why on earth did I do that again?" to "What is this behaviour trying to protect me from?" That small change moves you from a place of self-blame to one of self-enquiry, which is where the real work can begin.

Common Behaviours That Signal Self-Sabotage

So, what does self-sabotage actually look like day-to-day? Let's get practical. You might just recognise yourself in some of these scenarios, and seeing the signs is how you begin to figure out how to stop self-sabotaging for good.

Here are some of the most common red flags I see:

• Chronic Procrastination: This is the absolute classic. You put off important tasks again and again, telling yourself you work better under pressure, only to hand in rushed work or miss the deadline completely. This isn't laziness; it's pure avoidance.

• Perfectionism: Think of this as procrastination’s sneaky, overachieving cousin. You set the bar so impossibly high for yourself that you either never start (fear of not being perfect) or get trapped in an endless loop of revisions, never finishing.

• Negative Self-Talk: You’ve got a relentless inner critic on a loop, tearing down your efforts and putting your flaws under a microscope. This constant barrage of negativity eats away at your confidence until trying feels pointless. Learning how to stop negative self-talk is a crucial skill on this journey.

• Imposter Syndrome: Despite all the evidence of your skills and successes, you live with that gut-wrenching feeling that you're a fraud and you're about to be exposed. This can make you downplay your achievements or even say no to promotions you’ve earned.

These behaviours feed into each other, creating a vicious cycle. For instance, procrastinating on a work project leads to a shoddy result. This then fuels your inner critic’s narrative that you’re incompetent, which makes you even more likely to procrastinate next time. Sound familiar?

Self-Sabotage in Your Career and Personal Goals

At work, the consequences of self-sabotage can be painfully obvious. Think about the last time a big opportunity came your way. Did you immediately list all the reasons you weren't qualified, effectively talking yourself out of it before you’d even started?

Maybe you’re always late for key meetings or never seem to prepare properly. On the surface, it looks like disorganisation. Underneath, it could be a way of dodging the spotlight and the pressure that comes with more responsibility. It’s a strategy for staying small, and therefore, safe.

A common scenario I hear is someone turning down a promotion because it involves public speaking. The fear of judgement is so intense that they sacrifice their career growth just to avoid that discomfort, reinforcing the belief that they’re “just not a leader.”

This isn't just about the office, either. It shows up when you try to build healthier habits, like an exercise routine. You might have a great first week, but then you'll conveniently "forget" your gym kit or stay up too late, making that early morning run impossible. You become your own biggest obstacle.

How It Shows Up in Relationships

In relationships, self-sabotage is often driven by a deep-seated fear of intimacy or abandonment. Just when a relationship starts to get serious and feels genuinely good, the self-sabotage alarm bells can start ringing loud and clear.

You might find yourself picking fights over trivial things to create distance. Or maybe you become hyper-critical of your partner, honing in on tiny flaws as proof that the relationship is doomed. It’s a defensive strategy: if you find fault first, you brace yourself for the disappointment you secretly expect is coming.

Another classic tactic is avoiding any talk about the future or defining the relationship. By keeping one foot out the door, you feel protected from the potential pain of being left. The tragedy, of course, is that these very behaviours are what often push a loving partner away. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, confirming your deepest fear that you are, in the end, unworthy of lasting love.

Recognising these patterns in yourself is the first, and most powerful, step you can take to finally break the cycle.

Immediate Strategies to Interrupt the Cycle

When you feel that familiar pull towards an old, destructive habit, the space between the impulse and the action can feel impossibly small. Learning how to stop self-sabotaging in these crucial moments isn’t about winning some huge internal battle; it’s about creating just enough of a pause to make a different choice. Think of these immediate strategies as your first-aid kit.

You can think of these techniques as circuit breakers. Their job is to interrupt the powerful current of emotion—often anxiety or fear—that fuels the self-sabotaging act. They won't solve the deep-rooted issues overnight, but they give you back a sense of control right when you feel it slipping away.

Create Space with Grounding Techniques

When anxiety spikes, your mind can race, making self-sabotaging choices feel like the only way out. Grounding exercises pull you out of your head and back into your body, anchoring you firmly in the present moment. This simple shift can be incredibly powerful.

Next time you feel that spiral starting, try the 5-4-3-2-1 method, right where you are:

• 5: Acknowledge five things you can see. Really look at them – their colour, shape, and texture.

• 4: Notice four things you can physically feel. Maybe it’s the texture of your clothes, the solidness of the chair beneath you, or the coolness of a table.

• 3: Listen for three distinct sounds. Tune into the hum of a computer, distant traffic, or even just your own breathing.

• 2: Identify two things you can smell. This could be your coffee, a nearby plant, or simply the scent in the air.

• 1: Name one thing you can taste. What is the lingering taste in your mouth?

This exercise forces your brain to focus on your immediate sensory experience, which calms the nervous system and creates the mental space needed to choose a more constructive response. Mastering these in-the-moment skills is a core part of learning about what emotional regulation is and how to master it, which is fundamental to breaking free from these cycles.

Use Journaling for Instant Clarity

Sometimes the impulse to self-sabotage comes from a confusing storm of thoughts and feelings. A quick, unfiltered "brain dump" in a journal can bring instant relief and clarity. You don’t need to write a perfectly crafted entry; the goal is just to get the words out.

Ask yourself one simple question: "What am I truly afraid of right now?"

Often, the answer is revealing. You might be afraid of being judged for your work, so you procrastinate. Or maybe you're afraid of getting too close to someone, so you pick a fight. Seeing it written down makes the fear tangible and far less overwhelming.

Writing it out transforms the chaotic noise in your head into something you can observe and understand. It stops being a terrifying monster and becomes a problem you can start to solve.

For many, these patterns can feel deeply ingrained and difficult to shift. In the UK, suicide is the leading cause of death among young adults aged 20-34, and self-hatred is often a driving force behind extreme self-sabotaging behaviours. This chilling reality shows how unchecked habits, such as repressing your feelings, can build stress and anxiety over time, trapping people in cycles of low self-esteem.

Kickstart Action with the 5-Second Rule

Procrastination is one of the most common forms of self-sabotage, fuelled by overthinking and anxiety. The 5-Second Rule, popularised by Mel Robbins, is a beautifully simple way to jolt yourself into action before your brain has a chance to talk you out of it.

The concept is straightforward: the moment you have an instinct to act on a goal, count down from five. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… GO. Then, physically move. Whether it’s opening your laptop to start that report or putting on your trainers for a walk, that small physical movement interrupts the hesitation loop.

This isn’t about finding motivation; it’s about creating activation. You’re using a burst of decisive energy to bypass the mental roadblocks that keep you stuck. These immediate strategies empower you to regain control, one moment at a time.

Building Long-Term Resilience Against Self-Sabotage

Putting a stop to self-sabotage in the heat of the moment is a massive win, but the real, lasting change comes from building your resilience over time. This is where we move beyond the quick fixes and start to gently rewire the thought patterns that keep you feeling stuck.

Think of it as cultivating a new relationship with yourself, one that’s built on compassion rather than criticism. It’s not about some overnight transformation; it’s about slow, sustainable growth. By focusing on smaller, consistent actions, you start to build a foundation of self-trust and confidence that makes those old sabotaging habits less and less appealing. You shift from just reacting to your triggers to proactively building a life where they have much less power over you.

Challenge Your Critical Inner Voice

We all have that nagging voice in our heads—the one that loves to tell you you’re not good enough, that you’ll mess it up, or that you’re destined to fail. More often than not, this voice is the engine driving self-sabotage. Learning how to challenge it is fundamental if you want to stop the cycle for good. The goal isn’t to silence this voice completely (that’s a tall order!), but to change how you relate to it.

Start by just noticing when it pipes up. When you hear that critical thought, just pause and label it for what it is: "Ah, there's my inner critic again." This simple act creates a bit of distance, reminding you that you are not your thoughts.

Once you’ve spotted it, you can start to question its authority. Ask yourself:

• Is this thought 100% true? Can I find any evidence at all that says otherwise?

• Is this thought actually helpful, or is it just designed to keep me stuck?

• What would I say to a friend if they were thinking this about themselves?

Going through this process helps to strip the inner critic of its power. You start to see its grand pronouncements not as cold, hard facts, but as old, unhelpful mental habits that no longer serve you.

Self-compassion is the perfect antidote to the inner critic. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d give to a good friend. Instead of harsh self-judgement, you offer yourself warmth and support, especially when you’re finding things tough.

Switching out that criticism for a more compassionate response is the real game-changer. It might feel a bit strange or even forced at first, but with practice, you'll slowly rewire your brain's default setting from criticism to kindness.

Set Achievable Goals to Build Momentum

Self-sabotage absolutely loves it when your goals feel overwhelming. If a task seems too big or impossibly difficult, procrastination and avoidance suddenly look like very attractive escape routes. The trick is to break down your bigger ambitions into tiny, manageable steps that you can actually achieve. This is how you build genuine, lasting confidence.

So, instead of a vague and intimidating goal like "get fit," aim for something concrete and achievable, like "go for a 15-minute walk three times this week." Each time you tick off one of these small goals, you’re giving your brain solid proof that you can follow through on your promises to yourself.

This creates a brilliant positive feedback loop:

1. Set a small, realistic goal. This makes it so much easier to get started and reduces that fear of failure.

2. Achieve the goal. You get a little hit of dopamine and a lovely sense of accomplishment.

3. Build self-trust. You prove to yourself, action by action, that you can rely on yourself.

4. Increase confidence. This makes it easier to tackle the next, slightly bigger goal.

This method of building momentum is far more effective and sustainable than waiting for rare bursts of motivation. If this is an area you want to work on, exploring ways of building your self-esteem can give you some really practical tools to support this process.

Create a Supportive Environment

The environment around you—both your physical space and your social circles—plays a huge part in whether you succeed or stumble. If you’re surrounded by people who drain your energy or a space that causes you stress, making positive choices becomes ten times harder. Building a supportive environment isn't an indulgence; it's a vital act of self-care.

This might mean getting clearer about what you need from friends and family. It could be as simple as saying, "I'm really working on being more positive at the moment, and it would help me so much if we could focus on solutions rather than just the problems when we talk."

It also means getting comfortable with setting boundaries and saying "no." Saying no to requests that stretch you too thin isn't selfish; it’s essential for protecting your time and energy so you can focus on your own well-being. A supportive environment acts as a buffer against stress, which is so often a major trigger for self-sabotaging behaviours. Understanding the difficult feelings that can come up when you start setting boundaries is a skill in itself, and learning more about managing anxiety can be incredibly helpful here.

How Counselling Helps You Break Free for Good

While the strategies we've talked about are genuinely powerful, some patterns of self-sabotage run incredibly deep. Trying to unpick them on your own can feel a bit like performing surgery on yourself—not just difficult, but often ineffective.

This is where professional support, like counselling, can make a real difference.

Working with a counsellor gives you something pretty unique: a safe, confidential, and completely non-judgemental space. It’s an environment built for you to explore the very roots of your self-sabotaging behaviours without any fear of criticism. Here, you can finally give voice to the things you’ve perhaps been too afraid to admit, even to yourself.

A Fresh, Objective Perspective

Unlike the generic advice you might find online, a good therapist offers support that’s shaped around your unique history, personality, and triggers. They can often see the patterns you’re just too close to notice.

Friends and family mean well, of course, but they can’t provide that same objective insight.

This professional partnership gives you two crucial things for lasting change:

• Expert Guidance: A counsellor brings years of training to the table, helping you understand the ‘why’ behind your actions. We can connect those behaviours to past experiences or underlying beliefs you might hold about your own self-worth.

• Gentle Accountability: Just knowing you have a session booked can be a powerful nudge to stay on track. A therapist is there to help you celebrate the small wins and navigate the inevitable setbacks, keeping you moving forward.

Seeking therapy isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. It's a proactive, courageous step towards understanding yourself more deeply and committing to building a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Deciding to start this journey is a powerful choice. If you’re considering taking that step, you can learn more about the different types of counselling I offer.

A Different Way to Talk Things Through

Let's be honest, for many people, the idea of sitting face-to-face in a formal therapy room can feel incredibly daunting. It can feel a bit intense, especially when you're already feeling stuck or anxious. That pressure to open up can sometimes make it even harder to find the right words.

That’s why I offer a unique approach here in Cheltenham called walk and talk therapy. We hold our session outdoors, walking side-by-side in nature. The simple act of moving your body and being in a green, open space can have a profound effect on your state of mind.

This method often makes difficult conversations feel much more natural and less intimidating. The physical movement helps to release nervous energy, and walking alongside each other, rather than sitting with direct eye contact, can make it easier to talk about sensitive topics. It helps to break down the traditional barriers of therapy, making it feel more like a supportive conversation.

This approach combines the proven benefits of psychotherapy with the well-known therapeutic effects of nature and gentle exercise. It’s a practical, accessible way to get into the deep work needed to stop self-sabotaging, making the process feel less like a clinical appointment and more like a positive step forward on your own terms.

To see if this might be the right fit for you, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Creating Your Personalised Action Plan

Alright, let's bring all these insights together and forge them into something you can actually start using today. Knowing how to stop self-sabotaging isn't just about absorbing theory; it's about putting that knowledge into practice in your own life. Creating a simple, personalised action plan is what turns these abstract ideas into concrete, manageable steps.

This isn’t about creating a rigid set of rules to beat yourself up with later. Think of it more as your personal 'Anti-Sabotage Toolkit'—a gentle commitment you make to yourself. It's a living document, something you can adapt as you learn and grow. Its purpose is to empower you, not restrict you.

Building Your Anti-Sabotage Toolkit

Grab a notebook or open a new document on your computer and create four simple sections. The goal here is to make it straightforward and actionable, something you can glance at when you feel that old, familiar pull towards a self-defeating behaviour.

Here's a simple way to structure it:

• My Triggers: Jot down the specific situations, feelings, or thoughts that usually lead you to self-sabotage. For instance, "Feeling overwhelmed by a big project at work," or "The fear of getting too close in my relationship."

• My Interruption Strategies: From the techniques we've discussed, pick two or three that really resonate with you. This could be the '5-4-3-2-1' grounding exercise, or maybe a promise to yourself to journal for five minutes whenever you feel the urge to procrastinate.

• My Smallest Next Step: Now, set one small, realistic goal for the week ahead. Not "finish the whole project," but something more like, "spend 20 minutes organising my notes for the project." Make it so achievable that it feels almost impossible to fail.

• My Support System: Who can you turn to when things get tough? Note down a trusted friend you can call, a supportive family member, or even the contact page for Therapy with Ben.

As you start to outline your steps, you might find that a structured personal development plan template provides a really helpful framework. Ultimately, this whole process is about making a conscious choice to support yourself.

Every small step you take, no matter how minor it seems, is a powerful act of self-care. It’s a quiet victory against old patterns and a clear message to yourself that you are worthy of your own effort.

Remember, this journey is not a straight line. There will be good days and there will be more challenging ones. What really matters is the gentle commitment to keep showing up for yourself, day after day. You've already taken the first, most important step just by being here.

Frequently Asked Questions

Let's clear up a few common questions that pop up when people start digging into their own patterns of self-sabotage. Hopefully, these answers can shed some light and help you figure out your next steps.

Is Self-Sabotage a Sign of a Mental Health Condition?

This is a great question. Self-sabotage isn't something you'd find as a formal diagnosis in a medical handbook, like depression or anxiety. Think of it more as a symptom or a behavioural pattern.

However, it almost always points to something deeper going on under the surface. It’s frequently connected to unresolved issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, or even past trauma.

If you find these behaviours are really getting in the way of your life or causing you a lot of distress, that’s a pretty clear sign that talking it through with a professional could be a massive help. A good counsellor can help you get to the root of why it's happening, rather than just trying to patch up the behaviours themselves.

Why Do I Self-Sabotage Even When Things Are Going Well?

It’s one of the most frustrating parts of this whole thing, isn't it? You finally get what you want, and then you immediately start pulling it apart. This is an incredibly common experience, often tangled up in what we might call a 'fear of success'.

When life starts looking up, it can unexpectedly trigger a whole new set of worries:

• The Pressure of New Expectations: Success can feel like a new, higher bar you have to constantly meet. The fear is you won't be able to keep it up.

• The Fear of Future Failure: There’s often a nagging, subconscious belief that "the higher you climb, the harder you fall." This makes success itself feel risky.

• Imposter Syndrome: A persistent feeling that you don't really deserve your achievements and that any minute now, you'll be 'found out' as a fraud.

When you look at it this way, you can see how retreating to a familiar, even if less happy, place can feel safer.

It's a protective mechanism that has misfired, identifying success as a threat. The key to unravelling this pattern for good is often about exploring these deep-seated beliefs in a safe, therapeutic space.

How Long Does It Take to Stop Self-Sabotaging?

Honestly, there's no magic number here. It’s a very personal journey because you're working to unlearn patterns that might have been with you for years, sometimes even since childhood.

The good news is you can start making a real difference right away with some of the interruption techniques we've talked about. But for lasting, secure change, it often takes consistent effort. For many, this includes getting professional support from a therapist to really work through the core issues driving the behaviour.

The real goal here isn't a quick fix, but consistent progress. Every small step forward is a win.

---

If you see yourself in these patterns and feel ready to explore them in a supportive and non-judgemental space, Therapy with Ben is here for you. Please get in touch to find out more about my counselling services, including walk and talk therapy in Cheltenham.