What Is Relational Therapy and How Can It Help You?
- 3 hours ago
- 14 min read
By Therapy-with-Ben
Relational therapy rests on a simple but powerful idea: our well-being is deeply tangled up in the quality of our relationships. It’s an approach built on the understanding that our past and present connections are the very foundation of our mental and emotional health. The therapy process itself then becomes a crucial relationship, one designed for healing and growth.
What Is Relational Therapy at Its Core?
Rather than thinking of it as a rigid set of techniques, it helps to see relational therapy as a collaborative way of understanding yourself through connection. It moves away from the idea that our problems exist in a vacuum, inside our own heads. Instead, it suggests our emotional and psychological habits are often shaped by, and played out within, our relationships with others.
Imagine you're learning to sail a boat, and the vast, unpredictable sea represents all your relationships. In relational therapy, your counsellor is like a skilled co-captain, working right alongside you. The unique dynamic that builds between you in the therapy room—the trust, the communication, the mutual respect—becomes the compass you both use to navigate.
The Power of the ‘Here and Now’
What really sets this approach apart is its focus on the 'here and now' of the therapy session. Of course, your past is important, but a relational therapist is also intensely interested in what's happening between the two of you in real-time. This turns the session into a safe space—a kind of laboratory—where you can explore and practise new, healthier ways of relating to someone. The insights you gain don't just stay in the room; they become skills you carry out into your life.
This emphasis on connection feels more relevant than ever as attitudes toward mental health shift. In the UK, therapy is thankfully becoming a mainstream form of support. In fact, a recent 2025 survey showed that over a third (35%) of UK adults have sought help from a therapist, with a massive 73% of them finding it helpful. You can find more insights from the BACP’s public perceptions survey about these trends.
At its heart, relational therapy is founded on the belief that we heal and grow not in isolation, but in connection with others. The therapeutic relationship itself becomes the primary tool for change.
Understanding this approach often means seeing its close links to things like Attachment trauma therapy, which also works to heal deep-seated relational wounds from our earliest experiences. The bond you form with your therapist provides a secure base from which to explore these old patterns. You can get a much better feel for how this central connection works by reading our guide on what a therapeutic relationship is and how it supports healing.
The Core Principles Guiding Relational Work
By Therapy-with-Ben
To really get what relational therapy is all about, we have to go a bit deeper than a simple definition. It’s the core beliefs, the active ingredients that make it work, that truly matter. These principles are what build a strong, healing connection between you and your therapist, turning the therapy room from a place for just talking into a space where real change can happen.
At its heart, this approach is built on a few key pillars. These aren't rigid rules, but more of a shared understanding that shapes the entire process.
The Pillar of Authenticity
In some older styles of therapy, the counsellor was meant to be a ‘blank slate’—totally neutral and a bit distant. Relational therapy completely flips this idea. Authenticity is key, which means your therapist shows up as a real person, not just a detached expert. This doesn't mean they start talking all about their own life, but they're present, engaged, and genuinely there with you.
This sense of shared humanity creates an environment where you feel safe enough to be your authentic self, too. When a therapist is willing to be real and honest (within professional boundaries, of course), it gives you the quiet permission to do the same. This is where a much deeper level of trust begins to grow.
The Pillar of Mutual Respect
Relational therapy works from a place of deep respect for your unique background, culture, and life experiences. Your therapist sees you as an equal partner in the work, not as a problem they need to 'fix'. It's an approach that understands there can be power imbalances in any relationship, including therapy, and it actively works to make the dynamic feel more level and respectful.
In a relational session, your voice holds real weight. The goal is to figure things out together, honouring your insights because you are, after all, the true expert on your own life.
The Pillar of Emotional Attunement
This might just be one of the most powerful principles of all: emotional attunement. Think of it like carefully tuning an old radio to get a perfectly clear signal. Your therapist works to tune into your emotional frequency, trying to understand not just the words you’re saying, but the feelings underneath them. It's more than simple empathy; it's a focused effort to feel with you in the moment.
When you feel truly seen and heard on an emotional level, it can be incredibly validating. This experience helps to calm your nervous system and builds a secure base from which you can start to explore difficult feelings and past events. For many people, this might be the first time they’ve ever had such a safe and connected relationship. A lot of these foundational experiences link back to our earliest bonds, a topic you can explore further in our article on what attachment theory is and how it shapes you.
The image below shows how the relationship with your therapist connects your past, your experiences in the session, and your life outside the therapy room.
This map highlights how the central work happens in that connection between you and your therapist. That relationship then becomes the key to understanding your past and changing how you engage with your world today. Together, these principles create a unique kind of safe space—a lab where you can try out new ways of being and relating, which you can then take with you back into your life.
By Therapy-with-Ben
Who Benefits Most From This Approach
While the ideas behind relational therapy can help just about anyone, it really clicks for certain people and the struggles they’re facing. It offers a huge amount of support for anyone who has a gut feeling that their difficulties are tied up in how they connect with others—and, just as importantly, how they connect with themselves.
Things like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem often have their roots in our relationship patterns. A relational therapist doesn't just see these as problems to be fixed, but as perfectly understandable reactions to our experiences with other people.
At its heart, relational therapy is for anyone wanting to understand how their connections with others shape their own inner world. It offers a way to heal, not by 'fixing' something inside you, but by exploring what happens between you and other people.
This change in perspective can be a massive relief. It shifts the question from "what's wrong with me?" to "what did I learn about relationships, and how is that showing up in my life now?".
Common Struggles Addressed in Relational Therapy
This approach can be a game-changer for those who feel stuck in the same unhelpful loops. If any of the points below sound familiar, relational therapy could give you the space you need to explore and make a change.
Anxiety and Fear of Judgement: Social anxiety, for example, isn't just a fear of crowds. We can reframe it as a deep-seated fear of being judged negatively in a relationship. The therapy room becomes a safe place to unpack this, using the real, live connection with your therapist to build confidence and challenge those old assumptions.
Depression and Loneliness: Feelings of depression are so often tangled up with a sense of being isolated or disconnected. Relational therapy tackles this head-on by building a genuine, supportive bond, which helps push back against that feeling of being alone and misunderstood.
Low Self-Esteem and Lack of Authenticity: Many of us feel like we can't be our 'true selves' around others, always putting on a mask just to fit in. Relational therapy is all about encouraging you to be authentic. It creates a space where you are valued for who you really are, which can be an incredibly powerful way to build up your self-worth.
Who Finds This Approach Particularly Helpful
Looking beyond specific issues, some life experiences make people especially good candidates for this type of counselling. The focus on safety, trust, and feeling settled together offers a unique kind of support.
Individuals Navigating Neurodiversity For neurodivergent people, trying to get by in a world built for neurotypicals can be completely exhausting. It can leave you feeling like you're fundamentally misunderstood. Relational therapy offers a space where your unique way of seeing the world is respected and valued. The therapist works with you to understand your needs without trying to force neurotypical standards on you, creating a real sense of acceptance.
Those Facing Overwhelming Societal Pressures Today’s world throws a lot at us, and it directly hits our mental health and relationships. Take economic uncertainty—it creates a constant, low-level stress for so many. In Great Britain, the Office for National Statistics reports that over 8 in 10 adults are still worried about rising costs. This widespread anxiety is taking its toll. Research shows 9 in 10 UK adults felt high or extreme stress in the last year, and a shocking 28% of 18–24 year olds needed time off work for health issues while stuck on NHS waiting lists. You can discover more insights about this national mental health shift and its causes. Relational therapy gives you a vital space to process these outside pressures, acknowledging how they strain our personal connections and our own sense of stability.
People Feeling Stuck in Life If you feel like you’re stuck in a loop—whether it’s in friendships, romantic relationships, or with your family—relational therapy can help you see the patterns underneath it all. By looking at how these dynamics show up in the safety of the therapy room, you can get the insight and skills you need to create real, lasting change in your life.
Ultimately, relational therapy isn’t just for a select few. It’s for anyone who has ever felt that their own happiness and peace of mind are tied to the quality of their connections with other human beings.
By Therapy-with-Ben
What a Relational Therapy Session Looks Like
When you first think about therapy, a certain picture probably comes to mind. It’s often a bit of a cliché, isn’t it? Maybe you’re imagining lying on a couch while a silent, stern-looking therapist scribbles away on a notepad. Let’s put that image aside.
A relational therapy session is a living, breathing conversation. It’s an active process where both of us are fully engaged. Rather than me just listening and you just talking, we build a shared space to explore your experiences and feelings together. The real work happens in the connection that develops between us.
The Beginning of a Session
We might start with a simple check-in. How has your week been? What’s on your mind today? But pretty quickly, we’ll move toward your present-moment experience. I’m genuinely interested in what it feels like for you to be here, in the room, sharing your story, right now.
I might gently ask things that bring your awareness into the ‘here and now’, for example:
“What’s it like for you to tell me that just now?”
“I noticed you looked away when you mentioned that. What was happening for you in that moment?”
“How are you feeling, sitting with me today?”
These questions aren’t designed to put you on the spot. They’re invitations to notice the threads connecting your thoughts, your feelings, and your body, all within the safety of our relationship. This is where you really get to see what relational therapy is all about in practice.
The core of the session is not just what you talk about, but how you talk about it together. The dynamic unfolding between us becomes a source of powerful insight into your wider relational patterns.
If a moment of misunderstanding or disconnect happens—and it can, in any relationship—we don't see it as a failure. It’s a valuable opportunity. We’ll work together to repair that connection, helping you build skills you can then take into your relationships outside of therapy. You can read a bit more about the general flow of sessions in this guide on what happens in counselling sessions.
Adapting to Different Environments
The strength of this approach is its focus on genuine human connection, and that principle holds true no matter where we meet. The "how" can be adapted to whatever feels most comfortable and effective for you.
Face-to-Face Therapy Meeting face-to-face, for example here in Cheltenham, gives us a secure and dedicated space, free from the distractions of daily life. This traditional format allows for a focused connection where all the little non-verbal cues and the simple act of being in a shared space play a big part.
Online Therapy Modern technology has given us new ways to connect, but the human element is still key. Recent data shows that while video therapy use has doubled in the last five years, 68% of people still prefer in-person sessions. More telling is that only 18% would feel comfortable discussing their mental health with an AI chatbot, compared to 60% who trust a human therapist. Online therapy with a real person keeps that vital connection alive, proving that physical distance doesn't have to mean emotional distance.
Walk and Talk Therapy This is a unique way of working that I offer, moving therapy out of the office and into nature. Sometimes, the simple act of walking side-by-side can make it easier to talk, feel less intense. Sharing the experience of moving through an environment together often helps to build a relaxed, dynamic, and powerful therapeutic bond.
Whatever the format, the consistent thread running through it all is the power of an authentic human connection. It's about creating a real relationship that is strong enough and safe enough to hold your story and support you on your journey.
By Therapy-with-Ben
Finding a Relational Therapist Who Is Right for You
Choosing a therapist is one of the most personal decisions you'll ever make. This is especially true for relational therapy, where the connection you build with your counsellor is the main vehicle for change. Finding the right ‘fit’ isn’t just a bonus—it’s everything. It goes far beyond qualifications on a wall; it's about finding someone you feel you can build genuine trust with.
Taking that first step can feel pretty daunting, I know. But you can go into it with confidence. The real aim is to find a professional who not only has the right credentials but also makes you feel safe, understood, and respected as an equal in your work together.
Starting Your Search with Confidence
A great place to start your search in the UK is by looking for therapists registered with a professional body, like the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy). This gives you the peace of mind that they meet high professional and ethical standards. Think of it as a fundamental quality check, making sure you’re placing your trust in a qualified professional.
Once you have a shortlist, the next step is the initial chat or consultation. It really helps to reframe this in your mind: you’re not going for a job interview where you have to perform. It's more of a ‘chemistry check’—a relaxed, no-pressure conversation to see if you feel a sense of comfort and connection.
This first meeting is your chance to get a feel for what it’s like to sit with this person. Do you feel properly heard? Do they come across as authentic and genuinely interested in what you’re going through? Trust your gut instinct here; it’s often the best sign of a good therapeutic match.
Key Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist
To help you get a clearer picture of a therapist's style, it can be useful to have a few questions ready. These aren’t a test for them, but rather a tool for you to figure out how they work and if their approach lines up with what you need.
You might consider asking things like:
How do you approach building a strong, trusting relationship with your clients? Their answer will tell you a lot about how much they value the connection itself.
What does ‘collaboration’ look like in your sessions? This helps you understand if they truly see you as an active partner in the therapy.
How do you work with moments of misunderstanding or disconnect? A good relational therapist will see these not as failures, but as valuable opportunities for growth.
What’s your experience with the kinds of issues I’m bringing? This simply helps confirm their expertise is a good fit for your situation.
Their answers will give you a real insight into what relational therapy with them would actually feel like. It speaks volumes about their commitment to creating a safe, authentic space where you can just be yourself.
Finding the Right Fit in Cheltenham and Beyond
Ultimately, the right therapist is someone with whom you feel you can be vulnerable and start to explore new, healthier ways of relating. As a qualified male counsellor right here in Cheltenham, my own practice is built on the relational principles we've been talking about. My whole focus is on creating that secure, non-judgemental space for you.
Whether you'd feel most comfortable with face-to-face sessions, prefer the convenience of online therapy, or are drawn to the unique experience of walk and talk therapy, the goal is always the same. It's all about building a genuine human connection that supports your healing and growth.
If you’re ready to take the next step and see if we might be a good fit, I’d invite you to get in touch. We can arrange a free initial chat to explore how we could work together.
By Therapy-with-Ben
Your Questions About Relational Therapy Answered
Even after getting to grips with the core ideas, it’s completely normal to have some questions about what relational therapy actually looks like in practice. Here are some straightforward answers to the queries I hear most often, helping you feel a bit more informed and confident about this way of working.
How Long Does Relational Therapy Take to Show Results?
There really isn't a fixed timeline, as everyone's journey is their own. Because relational therapy is all about building a secure and trusting connection, progress often happens gradually. You might notice small but meaningful shifts in the first few months, like feeling more comfortable saying what you really think or starting to see patterns in how you relate to people.
Deeper, more lasting change happens over a longer period as we work together to explore and gently rework those long-held relational habits. This is a longer-term approach, and for good reason – true healing often happens when you have the time to build a genuine, collaborative relationship with a therapist you can trust.
Is This Approach Effective for Working Through Trauma?
Yes, absolutely. Relational therapy can be incredibly helpful for healing from trauma, especially what’s known as relational trauma (like C-PTSD) that comes from difficult or damaging past relationships. Trauma often makes it very hard to trust others and can leave you feeling disconnected and unsafe in the world.
A relational approach directly addresses this by creating a consistently safe, predictable, and attuned therapeutic relationship. This secure connection can help to calm your nervous system and gives us a space to process painful experiences without you having to feel alone in it.
What if I Struggle to Talk About My Feelings?
This is a very common worry, and it’s something any relational therapist is well-prepared for. In fact, that struggle is exactly the kind of thing we would explore together, gently and without any judgement. Nobody expects you to arrive with everything figured out.
The focus would be less on forcing you to talk and more on understanding what makes it difficult. We’d get curious about the feeling itself, perhaps noticing what happens in your body or what thoughts pop up when you try to share. This way, the struggle itself becomes a valuable part of the therapy.
Does Having a Male Counsellor Make a Difference?
The gender of your counsellor can be a significant factor for some people, and it’s a perfectly valid point to consider. For some, working with a male counsellor can offer a new and healing experience of relating to a man in a safe, non-judgemental, and supportive way. This can be particularly true if past relationships with men have been difficult.
Ultimately, though, the most important thing is finding a counsellor—regardless of gender—with whom you feel a genuine connection of trust and respect. The strength of the therapeutic relationship is what really matters in relational therapy. And beyond our sessions, there are lots of other avenues for improving your well-being; for instance, you might look into practical mental health tips for stress reduction.
If you've been reading this and feel that exploring your relationships in a safe, supportive space could be helpful, I invite you to take the next step. At Therapy with Ben, my focus is on building that genuine connection to help you move forward. Whether you’re in Cheltenham or further afield, let's have a no-pressure chat about how we might be able to work together.
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