I Hate You and Love You: A Guide to Ambivalent Feelings
- Jul 19
- 11 min read
You're lying awake after another argument, replaying the same thoughts. One minute you want closeness, reassurance, and warmth. The next, you feel angry, trapped, or emotionally numb. You might even hear yourself thinking, “I hate you and love you”, then feel guilty for having both reactions at once.
That inner conflict can be frightening. It can also be confusing when the relationship has real affection in it, good memories, and moments that feel sincere. People often assume love should feel clean and consistent. In real life, strong attachment can sit right beside resentment, fear, disappointment, or overwhelm.
Conflicted feelings don't automatically mean the relationship is doomed, and they don't make you a bad partner or a bad person. They do mean something needs attention. Sometimes the issue is unresolved hurt. Sometimes it's an unhealthy pattern. Sometimes neurodivergent traits, stress, low self-worth, or old attachment wounds intensify everything until every disagreement feels bigger than it is.
The Push and Pull of Ambivalent Relationships
A relationship can feel like emotional whiplash. You have a tender conversation, feel close again, and think things are finally settling. Then one comment, one forgotten plan, or one familiar tone of voice pulls you straight back into anger and distance.
That experience has a name. It's ambivalence. In relationships, ambivalence means holding strong, opposing feelings toward the same person at the same time. Love is there. Hurt is there too. So is longing, resentment, loyalty, and fatigue.
This is far more common than many people realise. In the UK, an estimated 2.87 million married or cohabiting adults were living in “distressed” relationships during 2013 to 2014, meaning nearly one in five UK couples experienced significant relationship distress, according to the NACCC Relationship Distress Monitor.
That matters because it pushes back against the shame people often carry. If you're caught in a push-pull relationship, you're not uniquely broken. You're in a painful but recognisable human pattern.
What this often looks like day to day
You feel split after conflict. Part of you wants comfort from the very person you're angry with.
You keep revisiting the same argument. The topic changes, but the emotional pattern doesn't.
You swing between hope and despair. A good weekend makes everything seem repairable. A bad evening makes leaving feel urgent.
You doubt your own judgement. You ask yourself whether you're overreacting, too sensitive, or somehow the whole problem.
Practical rule: If your feelings seem to reverse quickly, don't assume they're fake. Quick emotional shifts often mean more than one truth is active at once.
Sometimes what people call “drama” is accumulated hurt that hasn't been understood properly. If resentment has built gradually over time, it can intensify this love-hate dynamic. I've written more about that in this piece on resentment in relationships.
The Psychology of Feeling Love and Hate Together
Conflicting feelings usually make more sense once you stop treating them as irrational. The mind is capable of holding opposites. In fact, close relationships often bring old emotional patterns to the surface faster than almost anything else.
Why opposite feelings can coexist
If someone matters a great deal to you, they can affect your nervous system in powerful ways. The same person can be a source of comfort and a source of pain. That doesn't cancel either feeling out. It creates tension inside you.
A useful analogy is this. Think of your mind as trying to carry two heavy bags at once. One bag contains love, history, attraction, loyalty, and shared meaning. The other holds hurt, disappointment, criticism, fear, or emotional exhaustion. When you're stressed, the mind often drops one bag and focuses only on the other. In a calmer moment, it picks the first one up again.
That's one reason people can move from “you're everything to me” to “I can't stand you” in a short space of time. The feelings aren't necessarily new. They've both been there.
Attachment and emotional inconsistency
Early relationships shape what closeness feels like. If affection was inconsistent, conditional, or mixed with criticism, adult intimacy can feel both comforting and threatening. You may crave reassurance but also mistrust it. You may want contact while feeling ready to defend yourself.
This can show up as:
Pattern | How it feels |
|---|---|
Fear of distance | Panic, protest, chasing closeness |
Fear of engulfment | Irritation, withdrawal, shutting down |
Difficulty holding mixed views | Seeing a partner as all good or all bad in the moment |
When people struggle to hold both the good and the difficult parts of a person together, they can slip into splitting. That's a protective mental shortcut. Under pressure, the mind prefers certainty over complexity.
Where neurodiversity may fit in
There's also an important gap in common relationship advice. There is a UK-specific lack of data on how relational ambivalence correlates with neurodiversity and ADHD traits in adults, even though many people are actively looking for that connection. Psychology also suggests that low self-esteem can drive the separation of positive and negative partner information, and emotional dysregulation may intensify that pattern, as discussed in this article on self-esteem and divided partner perception.
That doesn't mean neurodivergent people are destined for turbulent relationships. It does mean some people experience emotions more intensely, recover from conflict more slowly, or react strongly to rejection, criticism, sensory overload, or uncertainty. In practice, that can look like:
Fast escalation after feeling dismissed
Difficulty calming down once upset
Black-and-white interpretations during conflict
Shame spirals after saying something impulsive
Heightened sensitivity to mixed signals
Strong feelings aren't proof that your relationship is profound. Sometimes they're a sign your nervous system is overloaded.
If this sounds familiar, self-blame won't help. Clear patterns, practical regulation skills, and the right support usually help far more than trying to “just be less emotional”.
Is It Passion or a Problem Signs of a Harmful Dynamic
Not every intense relationship is unhealthy. Some couples argue passionately, repair well, and stay respectful. The key question isn't whether there's conflict. It's what the conflict does to you.
If the relationship leaves you smaller, more anxious, less sure of yourself, or constantly on edge, that's important. Intensity can be mistaken for chemistry. Instability can be mistaken for depth.
A simple comparison
Healthier passion | Harmful dynamic |
|---|---|
Disagreements happen, but repair follows | Fights repeat with little real resolution |
Both people can disagree safely | One person feels they must manage the other's reactions |
You feel upset sometimes | You feel chronically tense or confused |
Conflict leads to understanding | Conflict leads to fear, self-doubt, or control |
Signs the pattern may be harmful
You walk on eggshells. You monitor your tone, wording, or timing because you're afraid of fallout.
Breaking up and reconnecting becomes a cycle. The reunion feels relieving, but the underlying issues stay untouched.
You feel responsible for regulating the whole relationship. Their mood decides the atmosphere, and you work around it.
You're regularly confused after arguments. The discussion shifts, reality gets blurred, and you leave unsure what even happened.
Your self-esteem is eroding. You feel less confident, less settled, and more dependent on the next “good” moment.
This isn't only about physical violence. In England and Wales, 3.0% of people aged 16 and over experienced partner abuse in the year ending March 2023, and 65.7% of victims reported non-physical abuse such as manipulation, control, and emotional volatility, according to the ONS partner abuse data for year ending March 2023.
Ask yourself these questions
Do I feel freer to be honest, or more afraid to be honest?
After conflict, do I feel understood, or wrung out and doubting myself?
Am I staying because the relationship is healthy, or because the highs keep me attached to the lows?
If the relationship keeps producing fear, confusion, or control, calling it “passion” may stop you from seeing the harm clearly.
A painful truth is that some relationships are not difficult because both people are wounded. Some are difficult because one person is being mistreated.
Practical Strategies for Managing Intense Emotions
When emotions spike, the first job isn't solving the whole relationship. It's stopping the moment from taking over your body and your behaviour. Individuals try to reason while flooded. That rarely works well.
Use an emotional pause button
An emotional pause isn't avoidance. It's a deliberate break before you say something that makes repair harder. You might say, “I'm too activated to do this well right now. I need time to settle, then I'll come back.”
That short pause gives your thinking mind a chance to catch up with your emotional mind.
Try this in order:
Name what's happening. “I'm overwhelmed.” “I feel rejected.” “I'm getting angry fast.”
Change your environment. Stand up, step outside, wash your hands, or sit somewhere quieter.
Lengthen the out-breath. Breathe in gently, then breathe out more slowly than you breathed in.
Delay contact if needed. Don't keep texting through a spiral.
Ground yourself in the present
The nervous system often reacts as if the current argument contains every previous hurt. Grounding helps bring your attention back to what is happening now.
A useful option is the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise:
Five things you can see
Four things you can feel
Three things you can hear
Two things you can smell
One thing you can taste
This won't erase pain. It can reduce the sense of being swallowed by it.
Separate feelings from facts
Journalling works best when it's structured. Don't just unload. Sort the experience.
Try two columns:
Feelings | Facts |
|---|---|
“I feel abandoned” | “They cancelled dinner with short notice” |
“I feel unimportant” | “We haven't discussed why this keeps happening” |
“I feel furious” | “We both raised our voices” |
That distinction matters because feelings are real, but they aren't always complete evidence.
Some people also like supportive routines outside therapy. For readers exploring broader self-care options, HempWell USA's CBD for daily well-being may be one resource to look into alongside sleep, movement, hydration, and a steadier routine.
A short guided reset can also help when your thoughts won't slow down:
What usually makes things worse
Demanding resolution immediately when both of you are dysregulated
Reading old messages to prove your case while you're already spiralling
Using absolute language such as “always” and “never”
Testing your partner instead of saying what you need directly
Treating intensity as truth. A feeling can be urgent without being accurate in every detail
If you can learn to regulate first, your next decision gets clearer. Stay. Leave. Speak. Pause. Set a boundary. Ask for repair. All of those choices are easier from a steadier place.
How to Talk About It Without Starting a Fight
A productive conversation about a volatile relationship rarely starts in the middle of a row. Timing matters. So does the first sentence.
If you begin with accusation, others hear danger and move into defence. If you begin with ownership and clarity, there's a better chance of being heard.
Pick the right moment
Choose a time when neither of you is rushing, tired, hungry, or already irritated. Don't start this conversation to release pressure. Start it because you want understanding.
A simple opener can be enough:
I want to talk about a pattern between us, not to blame you, but because I care about us and I don't want us to keep hurting each other in the same way.
Use language that lowers defensiveness
Try swapping these common starters:
Instead of “You make me feel crazy” Try “I notice I become overwhelmed quickly in some of our arguments, and I want to understand that better”
Instead of “You never listen” Try “I don't feel heard when we interrupt each other, and I'd like us to slow that down”
Instead of “You're so hot and cold” Try “I struggle with how quickly things shift between closeness and distance, and I think it's affecting both of us”
A workable structure
Name the pattern “We seem to go from close to hostile very quickly.”
Describe the impact “I end up feeling anxious and guarded for days afterwards.”
Say what you want “I want us to handle conflict in a way that feels safer and clearer.”
Make one specific request “Can we agree to pause if either of us gets flooded, rather than pushing through?”
Keep the focus on the pattern
The aim is to move from me versus you to us versus the cycle. That shift doesn't solve everything, but it changes the frame.
If communication tends to collapse into criticism, shutdown, or repeated misunderstandings, these ideas on how to communicate better in relationships may help you build a calmer starting point.
One caution matters here. Communication skills can improve a strained relationship. They do not fix abuse. If the other person uses your openness against you, ignores boundaries, or punishes honesty, the problem isn't that you need a better script.
When and How to Seek Professional Support in the UK
Some relationship patterns improve with insight, patience, and better conversations. Others keep repeating because the emotional charge is too high, the hurt is too old, or the dynamic has become bigger than the couple can manage alone.
If you've tried to calm things down and keep ending up in the same painful place, support can help. Not because you've failed, but because some problems need a steadier setting than a kitchen argument or a late-night text exchange.
Signs it's time to get help
The cycle keeps repeating. You understand the issue intellectually, but nothing changes in practice.
Your mental health is suffering. The relationship is affecting sleep, concentration, mood, or day-to-day functioning.
You can't regulate during conflict. Arguments move too fast, and repair never really lands.
You're losing perspective. You don't trust your own reactions anymore.
Your usual coping tools aren't enough. Taking space, journalling, or talking to friends no longer shifts things meaningfully.
Support is worth considering when insight is present, but change still isn't happening.
What support can look like in the UK
In England, around 1.8 million people sought help through NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression in the 2023/24 financial year, yet only 17% completed a full course of treatment and achieved reliable recovery, as discussed by the Nuffield Trust on attrition in NHS Talking Therapies. NHS Talking Therapies also offer NICE-recommended interventions and can be provided face-to-face, by video, by telephone, or in groups, as outlined by NHS England's Talking Therapies information.
For people in Cheltenham, support generally falls into four practical pathways as of 2026: NHS support, professional directories, local charity and community services, and private practice, as outlined in this guide to mental health support near Cheltenham.
That range matters because not everyone wants the same format. Some people need NHS access. Some want shorter waiting times. Some need evening appointments, online flexibility, or a setting that feels less clinical.
Why walk-and-talk therapy can help with ambivalence
Walk-and-talk therapy can be especially useful for people who feel emotionally stuck, overactivated, or guarded in a room-based format. In the UK, monitoring for walking therapy found that 58% of clients moved to recovery after eight to 12 sessions, compared with the NHS guideline benchmark of 50%, according to this BACP article on walking and talking therapy. The same piece notes that the absence of direct eye contact can make disclosure easier and reduce defensiveness.
That makes intuitive sense in work around “I hate you and love you” feelings. Ambivalence is hard to talk about when shame is high. Walking side by side can feel less exposing than sitting face to face under pressure.
There's also good reason to think the outdoor setting itself helps many people settle. Research discussed in this overview of walking therapy and nature exposure notes that spending at least 120 minutes per week in nature is associated with better self-reported health and psychological wellbeing, while Mind's UK research found that 71% of respondents felt decreased depression and reduced tension after a green walk, and 90% reported increased self-esteem following a country walk.
If you're unsure where to begin, this guide on how to get counselling is a practical starting point. The right support doesn't need to be dramatic or complicated. It just needs to fit you well enough that you can use it honestly.
Conclusion Finding Your Path to Relational Wellbeing
Feeling “I hate you and love you” toward the same person can be unsettling, but it isn't unusual and it isn't a moral failure. It's often a sign that attachment, hurt, fear, hope, and emotional overload have become tangled together.
Clarity usually starts with naming the pattern. From there, progress often comes through three things. First, learning how to regulate yourself when emotions spike. Second, talking about the pattern in a calmer and more direct way. Third, recognising when outside support would help more than another cycle of trying to fix it alone.
Some relationships can become steadier when both people are willing to look directly at what's happening. Some need firmer boundaries. Some need space. Some need professional help to untangle what love, fear, resentment, and old wounds are doing in the same room.
If you're based locally and want support, Therapy with Ben in Cheltenham operates from Suite 1, Portland House, 4 Albion St (GL52 2LG), with accommodating hours, offering adults aged 18 and over face-to-face, online, and walk-and-talk sessions in local parks, as outlined on the Therapy with Ben website. Reaching out doesn't commit you to anything dramatic. It opens the door to a steadier conversation.
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If you're ready to talk things through with someone calm, practical, and supportive, Therapy with Ben offers counselling for adults in Cheltenham through face-to-face, online, and walk-and-talk sessions. If your relationship feels confusing, emotionally intense, or stuck in the same loop, reaching out could be the first step toward something more stable.
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